I really hate myself. After the pound I gained overnight the other day, I have since managed to gain another one. 2 pounds weight gain in half a week is completely shit and unacceptable. It makes me want to scream and shout and cry. I am supposed to be losing weight, not bloody gaining. I wish my weight didn't get to me like this, but it does. Gaining 2 pounds is enough to make me feel completely overwhelmed and desperate and really bring out the suicidal thoughts in full force. My head is screaming at me how useless and disgusting I am, and how I have no self control and what a waste of space I am and how I don't deserve to live.
I feel like a bit of a wreck at the moment. Obviously I am feeling shit depression wise and sleeping really badly. Then my back is hurting a lot, my shins splints are causing a lot of problems, and I can feel about 4 mouth ulcers developing. I seem to just be falling apart a bit. My back doesn't seem to be getting any better at all, despite it being nearly a week since I hurt it.
I managed to read a book. Admittedly it was a children's book (well, maybe teenage) but I got through it, and it was the first book I have been able to read for over a month now. Unfortunately I don't think I can put it down to an improvement in concentration as I don't seem to be able to read anything else, and actually if I am completely honest spent most of the book pretty confused as I couldn't remember which character was which, but I just kept going anyway. I would like to read it again when I actually have enough concentration to appreciate it. I get really frustrated with myself. I feel like my brain has just turned into cotton wool. It doesn't work properly any more. I think it is broken. All of me seems to be right now, but I don't think my brain is fixable.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago