I don't know what to do. I am feeling pretty crappy, which is probably evident from my last few blog posts. Not being able to see L today made it worse. The obvious thing to do would be to contact her and see if she could see me any other time this week rather than waiting another whole week, but that feels really difficult for a few reasons. Firstly, it sounds really stupid, but when an appointment has been cancelled I don't like to be the one to contact her - I want her to contact me. I am aware of how needy that sounds, and maybe I am, but if the CMHT call and cancel one of my appointments with her, then I really do find it difficult to be the one to make contact next, even if I know I need to speak to her. I suppose I just go into a little sulk because I feel like I don't matter when appointments are cancelled, and if I am the one who makes contact then I just feel resentful, whereas if she contacts me then I come out of the sulk and it is ok again. I still feel jealous and pissed off with whoever has taken my appointment time, but I do know that she wouldn't cancel unless she has to, and that it therefore isn't her fault. But I really dislike being told that she can't see me by the CMHT rather than her. Childish? Absolutely. But it just presses all my abandonment and rejection buttons, and I don't know how to deal with it. So that is one reason why I don't feel like I can contact her for an appointment.
Also, common sense makes me think that if she had any time free this week that she could have seen me in, then she would have told them to offer me that appointment slot, rather than waiting another whole week, and therefore it would be pointless contacting her. This is probably true - she is very busy, so probably has no other times free. And so contacting her to try and see her this week would just end up being like a double rejection, as she couldn't see me today, and then wouldn't be able to see me any other day either, plus I would have been the one to contact her and I would resent that. And finally, I feel like if she does have time free later in the week, I must not deserve it. I am sure there must be other people more important than me, and if she felt like I deserved that time then she would have offered it right? Or rather told the receptionist to offer it. And in that case I would just feel stupid for asking. And like I was wasting her time.
So basically, I don't feel like I can contact her. But I really feel like I need to see her. I feel shit, and a week feels like a really, really long time when I am feeling like this. The last week has been difficult, and this week isn't looking like it is going to be any easier. I just want to hide away and not see anyone, and instead I have to go out to rehearsals every night, and pretend that everything is fine when it really isn't. And the only release I ever get, when I can actually be honest about how I am feeling, and don't have to put up a front, is when I see L. So that hour a week really matters a lot, and losing it when I am feeling this low is really difficult. But contacting her and not being able to see her, which is the most likely outcome, would be even more difficult. I just don't seem to be able to cope with life at all at the moment. Little things are sending me into a complete spin, and this has just made me lose any remaining feelings I had of being able to cope.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago