I have been sitting here for hours now not knowing what to write. My head just feels empty. I haven't done anything today. I am not even sure where the day went. There were a few things I meant to do, but suddenly it was evening, and now it is nearly 2am. I watched Neighbours twice. That seems a little excessive, but I was sitting here when it came on again, and even though I had watched it at lunch time I didn't actually remember much of it, so I sat and watched it again. I probably still wouldn't remember it. It has been one of those days.
I was wondering earlier what it would be like to have a whole day without suicidal thoughts. A whole day without thinking about it once. And a whole day without thinking about my weight, and how much I hate my body, and feeling guilty every time I eat something, and wondering how it will affect my weight. I can't remember either of those things. Even when I am not feeling actively suicidal, I still think about suicide, and every day if given the choice between continuing to live, or being erased so I had never existed, I would choose being erased. I don't remember the last time I had a day when I would have chosen to live. That is obviously different to feeling like I am going to kill myself, because with suicide you have to think about other people, whereas being erased would be my ideal, as I could cease to exist, but without upsetting anyone. I wish there was a way to make that happen. Sometimes I think about running away and disappearing so that nobody knows where I am, and then killing myself. If I disappeared first then nobody would actually know I had died and so it might be less hurtful. I suppose it is like trying to erase myself.
I am trying to resist the urge to go and weigh myself at the moment. I am in this stupid pattern where I weigh in the middle of the night to try and predict what my weight will be the next day. I don't know why I do it, because if I weighed now and knew I would have gained tomorrow then there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it, but I still do it. Somehow it feels even scarier to step on the scales without having been pre-warned about what I am likely to weigh from my middle of the night weigh in. I ate too much again today. I feel really greedy at the moment. From Monday I am going to make a really concerted effort to try and lose weight. I always think it is daft when people say they are going to start a diet in a couple of days time, but weekends are always more difficult as my parents are about, and so I tend to eat more at the weekends, plus on Sunday I have a friend coming over. She is someone I met during Carousel. So anyway, it will probably be easiest to start on Monday. Not that it is ever easy - there always seems to be things in the way. I just need my will power and determination back. It is definitely missing at the moment, and I want it back. I can't believe how long I have been trying to lose weight for now, and it really hasn't happened. I have lost about half a stone, but that has literally taken 5 months. I have lost an awful lot more than that actually, but I have put on a lot in between as well. I have been going up and down several pounds each month, which is why I haven't lost more. It pisses me off immensely - I have a bad week food wise, and find I am back where I was a month previously, and that upsets me. The last couple of months I haven't actually lost any weight at all - I am actually a pound heavier than I was during (some of) August. But I have also been 3lbs heavier than this several times between then and now. It is pretty confusing really. I just want it going steadily down. Even if it was only a pound a week. Goodness, even half a pound. As long as it kept going down and there were none of the stupid weight gains in between. I always think that I should be able to lose 2lbs a week, but it so rarely works in reality. But 1lb sounds like a realistic target. And would put me at my medium term target weight for Christmas I just worked out, which would be nice. I would still want to be lower than that, but if I lost 7 - 10lbs I would be so much more comfortable with my body than I am now. My long term target weight is unrealistically low to be healthy - it is just my dream weight. It isn't scarily low, but it would make me well into the underweight section on the BMI chart, which isn't really a good idea. But it has been my goal weight for 7 years - I can't just let go of it. But my medium term goal weight is a reasonable weight, that I have been at several times before, and I genuinely feel like I should be able to get to and maintain. It is just so much easier said than done....
Will I make it through?
1 week ago