I am feeling completely exhausted. I just could not get to sleep last night. I tried everything but sleep just wasn't happening. I finally managed to get to sleep about 6:15 I think, and woke up several times, and then had to get up at 10, so only got about 3 and a half hours sleep, which is obviously far from enough. So I have been really exhausted all day. I saw L at 11, then had a physio appointment at 2:30, so met up with a friend for a couple of hours between. My friend and I had just gone into Costa when L came in with someone else from the CMHT, and then a little bit later 2 other members of the CMHT staff came in, including the twat, so I spent lots of time sending evil vibes across the room at him.
The physio appointment was a little bit disappointing. It was fine, but I wanted the impossible I suppose - some instant, miracle cure that meant I would be fixed overnight. She felt it and got me to do a few things, and said the muscle going all the way down the right side of my back was inflamed and had gone into a spasm. She gave it a massage etc, but there wasn't really that much else she could do. There isn't much I can do except keep taking the anti inflammatory tablets and rest it, and do some gentle stretches to keep it mobile. She said that in a few days the anti inflammatory tablets should start to make more of a difference and I would be able to go back to doing gentle dancing, but no lifts or anything that will strain it until it is completely recovered. Hopefully that will be within a week, which is really pushing it with the show, as that puts it to only a week before the first performance, but there really isn't anything I can do about it, which is shit. I need to be really careful not to do too much and push it too hard, or she said I will just end up inflaming it again and it will take even longer to heal. Bad timing.
I didn't go to rehearsal tonight. I should have gone, because even though I can't dance I could still have done my acting scenes. But I just felt so exhausted and drained and low, and my back has been aching a lot, and I am just feeling really run down - I now have 3 mouth ulcers. I phoned the Assistant Director and said that my back was really hurting, and was meaning that I wasn't sleeping well (ok, slight lie as it isn't my back stopping me from sleeping, but white lies don't hurt anyone!) and so I was just really exhausted and run down etc, and so I didn't think I would be able to make the rehearsal tonight, and she said it sounded like it would be better for me to stay home and rest and hopefully I would feel better by the rehearsal Thursday. I am exhausted, but not sleepy, so don't know how likely it will be that I sleep well, but I really hope I do. Tomorrow should be a quiet day, as I won't be able to go to ballet in the evening (weight won't be happy about that), and that was the only thing I was supposed to be doing, so hopefully I will be able to relax a little.
My friend who is coming to stay on Friday just uploaded a new profile picture on Facebook, and she looks so ill. I think worse than I have ever seen her. I am really concerned about her, and also obviously worried about her staying. I wish she could see how ill she is. And I really wish that she could get the help she needs. I am worried that she is going to die before a bed becomes available for her.
I was really upset by my weight today. I had eaten an amount yesterday that I was absolutely convinced would have meant my weight would be lower today, and it was exactly the same. I was really upset and stressed by that. It made me feel really out of control, because I had eaten an amount that should have lead to weight loss, and it didn't, so now what do I do? So all in all it has been a bit of a crappy day really....
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago