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Saturday 26 June 2010

Anniversary

I first tried to kill myself 5 years ago today, 26th June 2005. It was a Sunday. It was pretty impulsive. The suicidal thoughts had been around a lot, but I hadn't planned when I was going to overdose or anything, although I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to keep myself safe over the weekend, and had said so to the psychologist I was seeing at the time. My dad was away at Glastonbury. It was Sunday afternoon, and my mum was out, and I just couldn't cope any more, and I took an overdose. Just paracetamol. I didn't know any better at the time. I had written a note, which I had left next to my bed, and I think it was about 10PM when my mum came up and found me. I had been sleeping, but I was fully conscious etc. When the ambulance crew came they were absolutely convinced I had taken something else too because my pupils were so dilated, but I hadn't. I just have big pupils. I was taken to hospital, and they did blood tests, and then put me on a drip. I assume it was too many hours after I had taken it for charcoal. I was on the drip for 2 or 3 days, and by that time my bloods were back to normal. On the thursday I was assessed by the psychiatrist on duty. I remember him not speaking very good English, and asking a lot of stupid questions, like 'If I let you go home are you going to kill yourself again?' which I remember finding quite amusing. I was given the choice of being admitted to the psychiatric ward or going home. I naturally chose to go home. My birthday was 2 days later.

When I look back at that, 5 years ago, it upsets me. 5 years later and I am no better. In fact, I am worse than I was back then. I was still living a normal life back then - I just felt very bad, and my bulimia was quite bad. But I was still going to college, although I remember having to leave some lessons because I was too much of a mess. Ok, I took an overdose, and I did feel like I wanted to die, but the thoughts were nothing compared to how much stronger they got in later years. I wish that it had worked, or that I had managed to kill myself at some other point since then. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the last 5 years. My life has mainly consisted of staying in my room. I have very rarely felt happy or contented. I have just been surviving. And I don't see the point of just surviving - I may as well not be here at all. If I had known 5 years ago that I was going to be in this position now, I could not have coped. I would have kept trying to kill myself until it had worked. But back then I still had hope some of the time. Now I don't. 7 years of Depression has eradicated that. I am convinced that at some point I will end up killing myself - trying not to is just delaying the inevitable. I just wish it had happened years ago, and I hadn't had to go through all of this.

5 comments:

  1. Bippidee, once again I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying in this post. I've been there too. Have you ever considered TMS or ECT? I did the latter and it was helpful. I just don't want to see you give up on yourself. You're too important and caring.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  2. I know how it feels looking back and seeing much the same and looking forward and feeling nothing will change. It is hell. I don;t really have the solution except trying to remember just as I can;t promise you things wont be much the same, you can't promise that they won;t improve. in that there is always a chance. If your not here that chance is irradicated. hugs* x

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  3. Looking back to anniversaries of past events such as suicide attempts is difficult. Especially when you think about how life has changed since then and things haven't really gotten better. Thinking about that is hard for me too.
    I agree though that there is a chance that things can still improve even if it doesn't seem that way right now.
    *hugs*

    Take care,
    Cassie x

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  4. Sending hugs and empathy. Take care as best you can. xxx

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  5. Time of year, a street corner, a smell - they can all remind me of difficult times. Usually some drama involving my daughter, and despite being brought to my knees, I just have to push through.
    Like you do, Bippiddee. You are a caring, sweet individual. Many people are in your corner and want to see you step into the future.
    I am sending boatloads of hugs. I wish I could really give you one; trust me, mine are healing and heartfelt. I hope you feel it.
    xx kris

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