I am ridiculously stressed about tomorrow. It is just too much. Every time I think about it I get so anxious and upset. My parents aren't being very helpful. Well my mum really, I haven't talked about it much to my dad because he is busy trying to write a eulogy. But my mum knows how stressed and upset I am about going back to the bungalow after the funeral, and I have asked how long they are planning to stay there (I have said that I am not going in and that I will sit in the car and wait - I can't deal with going inside) and she said she didn't know. I asked for a vague approximation. She said she didn't know, and that we couldn't rush off. I need to know how long it is going to be for. If I know how long it is then I can sort it out in my head and plan accordingly. I hate uncertainty. She just said not to forget to take Diazepam with me.
I keep crying. I don't want my birthday. I don't want to go to a funeral. I don't want to spend 5+ hours in the car going to and from the funeral. I don't want to be here. I wish more than ever that I had killed myself a few weeks ago. I came so close to it, and I wish so much that I had done it. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and panicked and horrible. I would do anything to just be able to disappear right now and not be here.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago