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Saturday 24 July 2010

Stable?

Is this 'stable'? Is this as good as it gets? I have been doing better the last couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling unsafe and like I am going to hurt myself like I do sometimes. I haven't had any major crises. For me it has therefore been a comparatively good period. However, I have still had suicidal thoughts daily, I am struggling with my weight/eating/body image, I still have no energy or motivation to do anything, I am tired all the time, there are things I am too anxious to do, I don't like being around people for long. Basically even in this 'good' period, there is still nothing I enjoy, and I would still much rather not be here, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me really. If I still feel like this in what I would consider to be a good patch, then what is the point? There is still nothing that makes me want to live - what keeps me alive is the effect me killing myself would have on other people - my parents basically. If I didn't have them I really wouldn't even think twice about killing myself. But how long can you go on living purely for other people? I feel like that is what I have been doing for years now, and whilst if things never got worse than this I could just about accept that, they do, and the bad patches are so indescribably hideous that I really can't accept that. I had a little lecture from my GP last time I saw her about suicide being selfish, and whilst it is in the sense that you are putting your own needs and wishes before those of others, I think it is an understandable type of selfishness. Continuing to live when you constantly experience suicidal thoughts, and are living solely for other people is really hard, and I don't actually see why it is more selfish for someone to kill themselves in those circumstances than it is for others around them to keep them alive - it is another form of selfishness, as those people are putting their own desires before those of the person who wants to die. I doubt suicide will ever be seen as acceptable, and a reasonable option in our society, but I don't understand why it is seen as such a taboo.

4 comments:

  1. i'm not a dr or a pysch or any sort of professional, but i've felt what you're feeling. it can get better. i know that is almost impossible to belive. i know the promise of respite as some unspecifies point doesn't help the reality of today's hell, but there is hope.
    i have no idea if the words of a stranger mean anything, but i don't think you're selfish. i think you're in a huge amount of pain. please try to hang onto the hope of better times. they do come.

    http://doyourememberthattime.wordpress.com

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  2. The hardest thing to do in life is live it
    xx

    http://partofbeingsane2.blogspot.com

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  3. I have the same views and feelings. Infact it was only the other night I talked to a friend about this. Obviously she couldnt see it from my point of view. I can understand hers. But I too am living for everyone else and I dont want to be here. I just wish people would stop being selfish and let me go.xx

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  4. Thank you for the replies. I can understand why when someone is in crisis and really unwell people think they shouldn't kill themselves, as they may feel differently when they are out of it, but even when I am doing better I don't want to be here, and so I just don't understand how I am supposed to just keep going.

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