Saturday, 24 July 2010
Is this 'stable'? Is this as good as it gets? I have been doing better the last couple of weeks. I haven't been feeling unsafe and like I am going to hurt myself like I do sometimes. I haven't had any major crises. For me it has therefore been a comparatively good period. However, I have still had suicidal thoughts daily, I am struggling with my weight/eating/body image, I still have no energy or motivation to do anything, I am tired all the time, there are things I am too anxious to do, I don't like being around people for long. Basically even in this 'good' period, there is still nothing I enjoy, and I would still much rather not be here, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me really. If I still feel like this in what I would consider to be a good patch, then what is the point? There is still nothing that makes me want to live - what keeps me alive is the effect me killing myself would have on other people - my parents basically. If I didn't have them I really wouldn't even think twice about killing myself. But how long can you go on living purely for other people? I feel like that is what I have been doing for years now, and whilst if things never got worse than this I could just about accept that, they do, and the bad patches are so indescribably hideous that I really can't accept that. I had a little lecture from my GP last time I saw her about suicide being selfish, and whilst it is in the sense that you are putting your own needs and wishes before those of others, I think it is an understandable type of selfishness. Continuing to live when you constantly experience suicidal thoughts, and are living solely for other people is really hard, and I don't actually see why it is more selfish for someone to kill themselves in those circumstances than it is for others around them to keep them alive - it is another form of selfishness, as those people are putting their own desires before those of the person who wants to die. I doubt suicide will ever be seen as acceptable, and a reasonable option in our society, but I don't understand why it is seen as such a taboo.