So it is Sunday today. Well Monday technically since it is now 3am, but it is still Sunday in my head. I was really tired again yesterday. Friday seemed to totally wipe me out. Friday night I slept for 11 hours, rather than the anticipated 12, but was still really tired all day. My sister was here with my nephews. I found that I was very irritable with my older nephew (he is 5) - I just have to be in the right mood or I find him way too much. Too much energy. Too loud. Too everything. I feel mean saying that because he is a sweetie and I love him to pieces really, but nearly every time I see him I just find myself getting more and more tense and irritated. I am just not very good with children. He was only here for an hour before my sister took him off to the birthday party he was going to, but it felt like hours. The little one was easier - he is 10 months now and crawling everywhere, and apart from when he started getting grumpy because he was tired he was ok. When my sister got back from dropping elder nephew at the party she wanted to take the baby for a walk so that he would go to sleep and wanted me to go with her, so I had to do that. By that time I was really quite tired and just came upstairs then and after a while they left. Having said the other day that I don't nap any more, I fell asleep for 45 minutes during the evening - I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
Today T came over at about 4 to run through our lines for The Tempest, and then at half 6 there was a concert that my mum and I were going to that he was coming to with us. So we did a bit of rehearsing/bit of chatting/bit of me teaching him how to improve some awful choreography he has been given for a show he is rehearsing, then went to the concert, then ate when we got home and did a bit more Shakespeare etc. He didn't end up leaving until after 1, so that was today gone. I am getting more sure of my lines. I am relatively confident with most of them now - I have two scenes where I have a lot of lines, and then two more where I only have a few in each scene. I more or less have both the big scenes sorted now - all of my big chunks are fine, but there are some shorter lines that I keep forgetting. I find it easier to learn chunks than I do dialogue, because at least with monologues you only have to worry about yourself - with dialogue you have to think about all the cue lines etc too. So there are a few lines I am not sure about, but they will come over the next few days. I haven't really looked at the other two scenes yet, but learning them should just be a 10 minute job. I find that if I read lines over a couple of times (ideally last thing before going to sleep) then I know them reasonably well the next time I go over them. I haven't spent a great deal of time learning the lines really - I think the problem has been far more with my motivation, or lack of, than my memory. Some of the time I just haven't had the concentration or energy to learn them, but those times I have just left it and waited until my concentration has been a bit better rather than spending ages trying to learn them and not getting anywhere.
I have rehearsals every night this week apart from Tuesday, which I am not looking forward to, as despite being more secure with the lines now, I just can't be bothered with it. I get annoyed with myself for feeling like that, because I am meant to be enjoying it, but I just want to be at home on my own - not at rehearsals with lots of people. We are meant to be running through the whole play tomorrow night, so I suppose I will try and do it off book, as I have to at some point. First rehearsal off book is always a bit frustrating, because you end up needing far more prompts than you think you will, but I prefer to get off book as soon as I think I know my lines well enough to give it a go, as I find it a better way of getting the remaining lines into my head. I suspect most of the rest of the cast will be in the same position - there are maybe 3 who have been off book for a couple of weeks now, and I think Prospero will still be very much on book unfortunately, but I should think most people will be off book but needing prompts. I would have liked to be in this position a couple of weeks ago really, but it will be fine - I am not concerned about not knowing my lines in time, particularly since we still have 6 rehearsals to go. I have done some musicals in the past where the entire thing has had to be learnt, blocked, choreographed, rehearsed etc in 2 weeks, so whenever I am concerned about performances approaching fast I always think about those shows.
Mood wise I am not doing too great. I have a definite problem with lack of energy at the moment - I just feel so exhausted all of the time, even more so than usual. But that is something I have experienced quite a few times before. Once when we were on holiday it was particularly bad - I was sleeping for a ridiculous number of hours a night, and was still absolutely exhausted, to the point where I couldn't walk for more than about 5 or 10 minutes without needing to rest - my legs were all wobbly like jelly. But it got gradually better after a few weeks. At the moment it isn't as bad as that, but I just feel so drained all of the time. Eating is happening far too much for my liking. Am disgusted and repulsed by my body. Seriously considering getting liposuction on my thighs - I hate them so much, they really do make me feel sick. I hate myself for letting myself stay this big for this long. It is completely unacceptable. But I don't know how to lose weight. It just isn't working. I need to find the will power to go back to restricting, but it just isn't there. Still purging. Not lots, but maybe a couple of times a week. Not too happy that I have gone back to that the last few months after so long of rarely/never doing it. If I can get back to restricting I will be able to stop purging, but I just don't know how. I wish I didn't care so much about how I looked. I wish I could be happy with my body like some people are. Or if not happy, accepting. Accepting would be good. But I could never accept my body at this size - it is too repulsive. I would settle for losing a stone. If I could just maintain my weight a stone less than I am at the moment - I could cope with that. It isn't as thin as I would like to be, but it would put my weight back at a level that I see as acceptable in that I can cope with it - when I weigh that I don't start beating myself up if I see myself in a mirror, and I don't want to kill myself because of how disgusting I look. I still wouldn't be happy with my body, I doubt I would whatever I weighed, but I could live with it. I just don't know how to lose the weight. I need control, and I have none.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago