I have had another pyjama day today. I was supposed to be going to a rehearsal tonight but I have been a bit naughty and pulled a sickie. They are doing 2 scenes tonight, and I am not in one of them, and only have 2 lines in the other, and just stand there the rest of the time. I know it is bad and unprofessional and I should have gone, but I am just not in the mood, and there is nothing about that scene that I need to rehearse, and it won't really affect anyone else too badly not being there, and I just feel a bit crap generally, so I decided not to go. Last night's rehearsal was a bit crap. There is a scene that T and I have (3.1 if anyone knows The Tempest particularly well!) and it was just a complete bloody mess. We did it on Monday and it wasn't too bad - not great but not a disaster, and then last night it was just terrible. He is supposed to be carrying logs from one side of the stage to the other for most of the scene basically, but there are lines where it is really important that he has a log, as I have a line 'Pray, give me that: I'll carry it to the pile', which I obviously can't say if he isn't carrying one, and he wasn't - he was in the wrong part of the stage, and he seemed to have forgotten nearly all his lines, and I was just getting more and more tense and frustrated. He is inexperienced, and he has never done any Shakespeare before, but I am just getting a bit worried since we have less than a week to go.
I am not going to be able to see L this week - she didn't have any free space, which is a bit crap because I feel like there's not been that much continuity lately for various reasons, but it wasn't her fault she was ill Tuesday. She said she will make sure we have an hour and a half next Tuesday.
Feeling really crappy about my body as usual. It hasn't helped that I have been watching lots of episodes of America/Australia/Britain's Next Top Model on YouTube, and obviously they are all really thin, which makes me really jealous and even more determined to lose weight. I am kind of freaking out about my weight, because summer is the time for losing weight - when I lost weight it is nearly always in the summer, and yet we are half way through the summer and I am still bloody enormous. I am probably also particularly stressed about it because of my friend coming to stay next week. I just hate my body so much, it really sickens me. It is also only 4 weeks until I go on holiday, and whilst we are going to Cornwall and so it will probably have rain the whole time anyway and therefore this won't be an issue, I want to be able to wear a bikini or swimming costume on the beach without feeling too hideous, and at the moment I just couldn't do it. Whilst it will be impossible for me to get to a comfortable weight in 4 weeks, I do really need to lose at least 7lbs or I don't think I could do the whole swimwear thing at all, which means losing 2lbs a week basically. That is doable, as I have done it before, but not easy because lately I only seem to be able to restrict and lose weight for a week or so, and then I lose all will power and start gaining again, and I must not let that happen. I hate myself so much.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago