Carrying on with the relationship theme, I have been spending a bit of time lately with the guy who is playing opposite me in The Tempest. I shall call him T. He was stage crew on the play I did a couple of months ago, and was one of the people I went out with after the festival performance. Then him and the guy playing Prospero came over one night a few weeks ago to run through our scenes. Then T was going on holiday so wasn't about for a couple of weeks. He got back on Monday, and we decided that since we only had 3 weeks until the play we should get in some extra rehearsing, so on Tuesday afternoon he came over. We read through our scenes a couple of times and then just chatted the rest of the time. He was going to come over again on Thursday, but I cancelled because I wasn't really feeling overly sociable, but we arranged for him to come over Sunday afternoon. Then he texted me on Friday evening and asked if I wanted to get together that night to watch a film or something. I said it would be better for me to leave it until Sunday, as I had some things I wanted to do that night, and it was quite late before he asked. So then he came over yesterday at about 2, and we ran through our scenes a couple of times and then watched DVDs most of the rest of the time, and then we went out for a meal (he paid) and then came back and watched the end of the World Cup final, and then just chatted, and then he went home about midnight.
I am a bit confused about it all. Are we just friends or does he fancy me? I am completely useless with relationships - I don't know how they work and I am terrible at reading the signs, and I don't even know how to tell how I feel about things myself. I don't know how to tell if I fancy someone unless it is a complete physical attraction. I have never had a serious relationship - the closest I have come to it was with a guy when I was away at uni. I liked him a lot, and we were together for a little while, but then it just kind of naturally fizzled out when I was in hospital, and then when I moved back home. But I knew I fancied him from the first time I saw him. As did most of the other girls on campus come to that. But it grew into a relationship pretty quickly - I think we kissed maybe the second time we met, so it was all nice and clear cut and I knew it was more than just friendship. I have no idea with T - I don't know what he wants. I don't know what I want. I am not really physically attracted to him - he isn't ugly or anything, but he isn't my type. I like him, he is a nice guy, but I don't know how I would know if I fancied him and wanted more than friendship, and I certainly have no way of knowing what he wants. And I don't even want a relationship. I would be shit in a relationship. That is why I always avoid them. I think it would be too much to expect anyone to put up with me. My mood is always so all over the place, and when I feel really bad I won't see or speak to anyone. T hasn't seen that side of me. He doesn't even know I have mental health problems. He has only seen the smiley happy mask. He would probably run a mile if he knew what I was really like. And maybe I am being really presumptuous in even wondering if he is interested in me. Maybe he just wants to be friends. That would be fine with me. That would be best for me actually. My parents seem to think he is interested though. Apparently he wouldn't have paid for my meal if he just wanted to be friends.
I am completely useless with relationships. I am about as savvy as a 7 year old. For a start, I am 24 and have never had a long term relationship. I have this habit of flirting with guys, making them interested, and then turning them down. I have done that a lot. I suppose it is flattering to know that someone is interested in you, but apart from with the guy at uni who I really did like a lot, I don't want to get into a relationship - it seems too complicated and too much, and then I am such a perfectionist that it is rare that I meet someone who meets my standards. It is like I am so far from perfect myself, that any boyfriend would have to compensate for that by being super perfect. I have never had sex. That makes me feel like a complete weirdo sometimes. I am 24. Any guy who knew that would probably think I was a complete freak and run a mile. Even the guy I was with when I was at uni was slightly strange about it, and I was only 19 then - 5 years on people would think I was very strange I think. And most of the time I don't care. I have no interest in sex. I almost have an anti-interest - I think that penis' are revolting looking things, and I really do not get the attraction. Maybe that is partly why I back off from relationships. But then I have done weird things, like stripping on web cam for a guy I met online and don't know/have never met etc. Multiple times. Not for a long time now. I am far too repulsed by my body to let anyone else see it now. But doing that at all was kind of weird. I think the first time I was in one of my weird hyper patches, and after that I had done it once, so why not do it again?
In other news, The Tempest is not going well. Well apparently the rest of the play is, but my scenes aren't. I don't know any lines and we open in 2 weeks. I am letting everyone down. I just have absolutely no motivation or concentration. I hope I am not stupid enough to let myself get involved in any productions in the future when I don't feel like doing it - I have learnt from this and the other play that I won't suddenly find the enthusiasm half way through rehearsals, and start enjoying it. It will just feel like a chore the whole time, and I will resent it. I feel really lonely at the moment, even though I am seeing people more than I would usually. I am in my own little bubble of suicidal thoughts again, and it feels unpenetrable. Seeing L in the morning. That's all folks!
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago