Rehearsal went ok. I now have my oh so beautiful and attractive costumes. It is set in the 1930s, and I have 2 costumes - 1 which is meant to be not 30s, and kind of Greek toga looking, and obviously white for the whole virginal thing, and then a 30s dress for the later scenes when they will be leaving the island and returning to the 'real world'. Unfortunately, none of the toga type costumes that they know they have somewhere (the company have a big unit on an industrial estate that houses all of the costumes/props/bits of scenery from various productions etc) could be found, so they had dug out these 2 truly hideous tunic type things, one of which was white and fairly closely resembled a tent, and the other was navy and fairly closely resembled a tent. They would have been fine if I was twice the size that I am, but bearing in mind I need to look at least vaguely attractive for the play to work I didn't think either were terribly appropriate. Then another cast member produced the costume they had worn in another production, that they were just bringing back, and they suggested I wear that. It isn't what I would call attractive, but it is an improvement on the tents, in that it does actually fit. It is actually a two piece - a full length (ie touches the floor, and I will probably trip over) skirt, with a longish top, and cream and fairly floaty/flowing etc, and then I will be wearing a gold belt thing with it and some gold sandals I have. I can't say it looks good, but I enthused over it due to not wanting to be put in one of the tents. The dress for Acts 4/5 is actually ok in a very Laura Ashley kind of way - it looks very 30s and it fits well, and I have a little 30s hat to wear with it (although the hat is the wrong colour for the dress, but never mind - it will be starting to get dark by the time I wear that!). So costume sorted. I will take the thickest dressing gown I own and keep it in the wings (or tents rather, since it is open air) for when I am not on stage, as I know from experience that you freeze doing open air theatre in flimsy little dresses, so the second I get off stage I wrap up warm!
The rehearsal was fine. Feeling fairly confident about my lines - I think I know mine as well as most people, and better than some - I only needed 2 prompts, which isn't bad for my first run through off book, although we didn't get as far as the bit I haven't learnt yet, but that is literally just a few lines that I can learn in 10 minutes. No rehearsal tomorrow, which is good. I would have liked tomorrow to be a pyjama day since it is the only day this week I don't have rehearsal, but I need to get dressed to go and see L in the morning. I am very fond of pyjama days. In fact, every day that I don't *have* to leave the house is a pyjama day. I don't see the point of getting dressed if I am not going anywhere - pyjamas are so comfortable, and getting dressed takes far too much effort.
I have a friend coming to stay for a few days next week - from Wednesday to Saturday. She is lovely, and very sweet, and it will be really nice to see her, as I only see her maybe once or twice a year as she is from Ireland, but I am a little bit stressed about it too. She knows me very well, so I don't feel like I have to put up too much of a front for her or anything, so it is ok from that point of view. It is mostly food/weight stuff that is worrying me really. She is very severely Anorexic, and for a start I just feel like she will think I am so enormous - last time I saw her was last summer, when I was 21 lbs lighter than I am now, and she has never seen me as big as I am now. And then my eating patterns are pretty screwy, in that I do virtually all my eating in the evening, sometimes a bit in the afternoon, but I never eat at breakfast time, and rarely at lunch time, but I feel like I need to eat proper meals at proper times etc when she is here, as I know that there is absolutely no way she will eat if I am not (understandable - I wouldn't if I was at someone else's house either), and I find that difficult, and then it is hard to know what to offer her to eat and when, because I don't want her feeling pressured, and wanting to purge etc, but then neither can I just have her eat nothing, or next to nothing, because she is too ill for that. So it is kind of hard, because obviously she won't say she is hungry or that she wants something to eat, so I will have to encourage her to eat, and eat myself at times I wouldn't usually and that I don't like eating at, and I don't know how far I can push it and it is all a bit difficult. She has stayed with me several times before, and we have always managed fine, but I know she is doing worse at the moment, and she should be in hospital really, and so I am just a bit worried. She also wants to meet up with another girl we know one day, which is fine really, but also worries me. Partly because of the weight thing again, and partly because it means getting the bus for an hour each way and I don't like buses - I get quite anxious, and then this other girl can't meet us for long because she is at work, so it will have to be in her lunch break, and so it is quite a long way to go to see someone for 40 mins or so. And I don't like going to busy places because it makes me anxious, so I suppose I just feel a bit tense about the whole thing. But it will be fine. And it will be nice to see my friend - I am just very concerned about her at the moment. I wish I could help her, but I can't, and that is hard. When people are having a difficult time I want to help them - even if it is people I don't know very well. Or at all. If I see someone crying or upset in the street I always want to go over to them and see if they are ok, but I don't because it isn't really the done thing. I just hate seeing people struggling or in pain. I want to be able to fix people, but I can't. I suppose I know how indescribably awful I feel sometimes, and I hate the thought of other people feeling like that.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago