I am feeling totally wiped out. I was thinking last night how drained I was feeling, even though I hadn't been doing anything at all - just a general feeling of tiredness and everything feeling like too much effort. Then today has been a long day and I am feeling completely exhausted. My mum had an appointment at the hospital this morning, and then I had one there this afternoon at 4:30 with the voice therapist, and it wouldn't really have been worth coming home between since it is half an hour each way, so I had to get up this morning and go with her, then go into the town and go round the shops for hours, then go to my appointment, and then come back home.
I was really tired to start with, because I didn't get to sleep early, so I didn't get very much sleep. Then I was out from about half 10 until about 6, which is a long time for me, and I find it really tiring being out all day like that. And then between and my appointment we were shopping, which is tiring. I have never been the type of girl to love shopping and spend days on end going around shops trying on everything - most of the time I see shopping as a sometimes necessary evil, and I do not go around trying on clothes just for fun - I try on clothes so that I know I am only buying things that I like so that I don't have to go back to the shops to take things back. It isn't fun. I have friends who love shopping and can just shop for hours, even if they don't want/need anything. They even enjoy it if they don't buy anything. I am not one of those people.
Shopping is particularly difficult at the moment because of my weight. Well, I say at the moment, but really I mean the last 6 months or so. I have so few clothes that fit that it is a complete nightmare to get dressed - tops are ok, but I could count on one hand the number of skirts and trousers I have that fit. I may even have fingers left over. But I completely refuse to buy clothes that would fit me, because that would be accepting my current weight and size, which I am absolutely not prepared to do. So today I helped my mum buy bras, bought a bra myself as bras don't quite count in my refusing to buy clothes since I don't mind my boobs being a bit bigger, as they are still only 32Cs, and that is ok. I suspect my boobs would be non existant if I wasn't on the pill and 21lbs heavier than I used to be. Then I bought some shoes. Shoes are ok since my feet don't change size. Spent ages prancing around the shop in very high heels to see if I could walk in them, as I am crap in heels, so just tried on various pairs of heels and practiced walking in them. Then I found a nice pair of shoes, not too high - about 3 inch heels, and they were reduced to £5, which was clearly a bargain that couldn't be missed. I have very few pairs of shoes due to my very awkward feet that are just the wrong shape for virtually all shoes (although every single Marks and Spencers 32C bra that I try on fits absolutely perfectly - my boobs are clearly what they design their 32C bras for). Anyway, so I bought the shoes, and a couple of pairs of plimsoll/trainer type things, that were also reduced to £5 each, because I like comfortable footwear. One pair are black with a white flowery type pattern, and the others are grey with black spots. Excellent.
Then it all went a bit wrong. Went into Next, and saw leggings, which I could do with, and thought I could get away with buying since they are stretchy. I also saw bikinis and thought that since I don't have one, due to the breakdown that trying on bikinis inevitably causes, I should buy one. So off I went to the changing rooms with my leggings and bikinis. Tried on the leggings. They were too tights - I could get them on but they felt too tight, and I refused to buy a size up, because that would be giving in to my fatness. I hate my thighs more than I can describe. I never look at them in a mirror (except at ballet when it is unavoidable) because it makes me feel so completely and utterly repulsed that I actually feel physically sick. Took the leggings off to try the bikinis on and got even more upset about my thighs and started crying about how hideous I was and hitting them as hard as I could. I wished I had a blade. I would have loved to cut them to shreds. I just want to slice enormous chunks off them. Actually I really want liposuction on them. Even when my weight was lower my thighs were too big. Much too big for the rest of me. My mum asked me earlier when I was so upset if I could get liposuction on the NHS, in the same way that people with really big boobs can get breast reductions if it is causing them psychological distress etc. Obviously she meant well, but my mum asking me if I could get liposuction on the NHS kind of made me feel even worse about them. Anyway, so that was all pretty upsetting, and reminded me why I do not go shopping, and why I am right to avoid mirrors, clothes, shops etc etc until I am smaller.
Had my voice therapy appointment after that, which was ok. My voice problems are definitely tied up with my mental health problems to at least some extent, which is a shame, and something of a problem really. Anyway, got home at about 6 and have just felt completely exhausted since. It took me about an hour to get enough energy to get up to go to the toilet and get a drink. Line learning is not going well. I tried to do some this morning during my mum's hospital appointment, and got a few lines learnt, and then had a while to wait before my appointment as I got there a bit early and so tried to learn more then, but I couldn't even read the words I was so tired, and I couldn't remember what I had learnt earlier today, or even other days - my brain had just given up for the day. I feel really pathetic for being exhausted so easily. It seems particularly bad at the moment - I just get completely drained by things that everyone else just does every day, and I don't know why. Today was a bad day. I am hoping to go to sleep now - several hours earlier than I usually would, but I just feel so shattered. I suspect I will sleep for about 12 hours - when I have had a tiring day I seem to need an excessive amount of sleep after, although I always seem to need quite a lot of sleep to not feel ridiculously tired - 10 hours is my ideal. One good thing over the last few months is that I haven't been napping in the afternoon like I used to. Admittedly, I sleep all morning most days, but last year I would wake up at say 12 or so, and after being awake for 2 or 3 hours I would go back to sleep, whereas apart from when I am feeling really terrible and so sleep to keep myself safe, I am not really napping anymore. Since I still sleep all morning it isn't much of an achievement really, but I guess it is something. Got to sleep now, I am too tired to think.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago