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Thursday 1 July 2010

Tomorrow

I am ridiculously stressed about tomorrow. It is just too much. Every time I think about it I get so anxious and upset. My parents aren't being very helpful. Well my mum really, I haven't talked about it much to my dad because he is busy trying to write a eulogy. But my mum knows how stressed and upset I am about going back to the bungalow after the funeral, and I have asked how long they are planning to stay there (I have said that I am not going in and that I will sit in the car and wait - I can't deal with going inside) and she said she didn't know. I asked for a vague approximation. She said she didn't know, and that we couldn't rush off. I need to know how long it is going to be for. If I know how long it is then I can sort it out in my head and plan accordingly. I hate uncertainty. She just said not to forget to take Diazepam with me.

I keep crying. I don't want my birthday. I don't want to go to a funeral. I don't want to spend 5+ hours in the car going to and from the funeral. I don't want to be here. I wish more than ever that I had killed myself a few weeks ago. I came so close to it, and I wish so much that I had done it. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and panicked and horrible. I would do anything to just be able to disappear right now and not be here.
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7 comments:

  1. Anonymous2 July 2010 at 02:03

    I'm sorry, Bippidee. I know tomorrow will be a lot to handle. I hope they don't stay at the bungalow too long.

    Here listening,
    NOS

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  2. lotte2 July 2010 at 08:29

    Hugs....im not doing great myself as you know but just sending some love your way x x

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  3. La-reve2 July 2010 at 10:35

    Is there any chance you could not go and just stay at home where you are more secure or at a friends or one of your groups. I don't know I can understand you wanting to go to your Grandad's funeral if you want to say goodbye. I don't mean to be calous but you are the living and keeping you that way is the priority. Respecting and saying goodbye to your Grandad doesnt mean standing up in church or at a burial and if it is too much then its too much. I don't do funerals. I don't like the false sentiments and prefer to say goodbye in my own head. Anyway just don't want you to put pressure on yourself. Take care. x

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  4. Narky2 July 2010 at 11:33

    *Hugs* I'm thinking of you today, sweetie.

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  5. Kristin2 July 2010 at 14:51

    I will be thinking of you today, Bippidee. I wish that you could have opted out and been allowed to grieve in your own way, at home and not en masse. No one will fault you for wanting to stay in the car and avoid the chit chat and after-funeral difficult conversation.
    xx kris

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  6. La-reve2 July 2010 at 20:41

    Hope it went okish.x

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  7. Anonymous2 July 2010 at 22:30

    Been thinking of you today,hope ur ok as u can be,xxx

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