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Saturday 19 June 2010

RIP

My granddad has died. Last night. His carers found him when they went in this morning. He had fallen over and hit his head when he was getting ready for bed - they don't know if he had a heart attack or a stroke or something, or just fell over yet. He was probably laying there dying when I was writing about being jealous of peoeple dying. I feel like it is my fault. I was supposed to die this week and I didn't, so someone from my family did instead. The same thing happened 18 months or so ago. I had been feeling suicidal, and tried to kill myself but just ended up on a drip for a few days, and then a few days later my nanny died. I was meant to die, and because I didn't someone else had to instead. I am evil. Not killing myself is making other people die instead. I know of 3 people who have died in the last week, ie in the time that I have been feeling very suicidal and yet not acted on it. Maybe all those people would still be alive if I had killed myself. I don't know what to do now. I need to kill myself before someone else dies, but I feel like I can't put my parents through that so close to my granddad dying. I have fucked everything up. I should have killed myself last weekend. I am such an awful person. I really don't know what to do. I have caused so much damage.

8 comments:

  1. Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear about your grandad. May he rest peacefully.

    But please know this: you don't cause people's deaths by staying alive. That's magical thinking (something that I am guilty of doing too-- don't worry, you're not alone).

    Please stay strong and stay alive. Keep on writing. Talk to someone-- the suicide hotline is always available if you feel like there is no one in your life you feel comfortable with.

    Thinking of you,
    NOS

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  2. I'm really sorry to hear about your Granddad, my thoughts are with you. Your suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you killed him. And I echo what has been said above, talk to someone please.

    xxxx

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  3. I'm sorry about your grandfather's passing. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my grandfather's death actually...anyway...

    It is not your fault at all, you didn't cause anyone to die. Regardless of whether you tried to kill yourself or not, those people would still have passed away. It was their time to leave, unfortunately. It is not your time yet. The fact that 18 months ago, you tried to kill yourself but yet you're still alive, maybe it's indicative of the fact that you're not meant to die yet.

    It's a difficult time when someone passes away, and it's even more difficult when you're already struggling. I'll be thinking of you.

    Take care,
    Cassie x

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  4. I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, but I'm going to reiterate what they others said - this is not your fault. I appreciate that it can feel like that when you're feeling low, and I've had similar thoughts myself. But you didn't cause this and you are not an awful person. Please take care x

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  5. I'm very sorry to hear about your grandpa. Like the others, I'll just emphasise that it wasn't anything that you have done. I hope you get through this difficult time or that I could think of more helpful things to say.

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  6. I'm so sorry about your grandad's death. But you did not cause it. If you had killed yourself he would still have died, and so would the other three people. Take care of yourself. *Hugs*

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  7. Oh, Bip :( I am so, so sorry to hear this. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. I know this is bound to be a horrible time, and you are very much in my thoughts.

    It's easy to say, but really - you are not to blame for your granddad's, or anyone else's, death. This would have happened regardless of your actions. But as I say, I know that's easy for me to say, and I do understand your line of thinking, even though I don't agree with it. Just, try and be kind to yourself as much as you can.

    You know where I am if you need to vent or anything of that ilk.

    *massive hugs*

    Pan xxx

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  8. Oh Bip,
    I'll add to what everyone above said by sating that magical thinking feels so right when you are having it but going there will just make you more upset. Trust your online community; you really couldn't have changed the course of events - for any of the people who passed this week.
    My sympathies to you and your family. Be extra careful with yourself. Because you've been struggling for awhile, with all normal routine will out the window for a time, this will be even more unsettling for you.
    I am thinking about you,
    xx kris

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