I started writing this earlier. I was then interrupted, and have finished the rest now. First paragraph was written at 3pm - the rest now.
So it is my nephew's birthday party at the moment. I am not there. The plan was for my mum and I to pick up older nephew when he finished school at 3:15, as we live near the school, and take him back to theirs, and then there would be the party. This morning whilst I was asleep this all changed. Older nephew throw a tantrum about going to school when other people were getting ready for the party, and since my sister seems to want to encourage her son to become a spoilt brat, she phoned the school and said he would be in during the morning, but then my mum would pick him up at lunch time, and would then take him back so he could help etc. Naturally I didn't know about this as I was asleep, and since I hadn't got to sleep until about 6:30 I had set my alarm for 2, to give me time to get ready and go. My mum woke me up at 1 saying she was going to pick up my nephew in 20 minutes so I needed to hurry up - I said I couldn't get ready in 20 minutes as I needed to have a shower and wash my hair etc. Just before she went to pick him up she said she could bring him back here after she collected him for a while to give me time to get ready. So she went off to get him, I went and got in the shower, she came back, I got out the shower. She asked how long I would be and I said about half an hour. She said they couldn't wait that long and went without me. I am pissed off about the whole thing. I feel like complete shit, so didn't even want to go, but knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn't, so was prepared to go. I am pissed off that she then told me she would wait for me to get ready, so I bothered to get out of bed and in the shower, and then she changed her mind and went off without me. I may as well have stayed asleep. I am pissed off because the stupid party wasn't even supposed to start for another half hour, and that is when other people will be arriving. I didn't want to go anyway, but I know that my sister will be really pissed off with me for not being there, and that she will now be in a bad mood with me for at least the next month, probably longer, and it isn't my bloody fault. Everything always seems to be my fault though.
So it is now 9:30, and I ended up going to the party after all. My ex next door neighbour was going, and to get to my sisters from where she is living now she has to more or less go past our house anyway, so my mum spoke to her and she said she would collect me on her way there, so she picked me up about half 3. I have to say that my heart sunk slightly when my mum called and said that, as despite knowing my sister would be pissed off with me for not going, I was really feeling quite relieved, and had got back into my PJs and was in bed and quite relieved that a) I wouldn't have to be around people, and b) I wouldn't have to be around food, so when I suddenly heard that I was going to be going after all and had 10 minutes to get ready I wasn't overjoyed, but knew I would get too much grief to make it worthwhile not going when I didn't even have a valid excuse, so I threw on some clothes and a bit of make up and off I went.
The party was pretty hideous. I really do not like being around people, and I just find children far too much. I definitely have nothing even remotely maternal about me. Even children I like, I only like for very short lengths of time before I find them irritating. I do not want children. At all. They are so loud and just too much - everything about them is just too much. Little nephew, whose party it was is fine - he has recently started walking on his own and so is just quite sweet toddling about and grinning at people, but older nephew is loud, and then my niece (brother's daughter) was also there - she is 6, and then there was another 5 year old who is older nephew's friend, and is a complete brat - I always inwardly groan when I see him. And then ex next door neighbour's 20 month old girl was there, but she was pretty ok too. And then having to sit around and make small talk with my sister's in laws was dull and crap, and I got the usual 'So what are you doing now?' questions that I loathe answering. Luckily, since I have had a fair bit of perfoming things on lately - the Shakespeare in July, and now Carousel, and then the concert in December, I can make myself sound fairly busy and not such a loser as I usually sound when I say 'Oh, nothing much really...'. Then there was lots of party type food, which I ate too much of, and so feel like shit. The first hour, even 2 hours, weren't too awful - the children were in the garden, so it was mostly just the small talk to contend with. Then it got louder and louder and more and more chaotic, and I ended up having to go off and sit in a room by myself and cry because I was just feeling so overwhelmed and stressed and tired, and wanting to be home. Some people were starting to leave by that time, but naturally not us. Older nephew ended up having the tantrum to end all tantrums - I have seriously never seen anything like it apart from on Supernanny. He is usually a sweet child - he is a bit loud and over the top, but that is just 5 year old boyness, but my goodness, he actually turned into the horror child from hell. I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing - it was just awful.
Anyway, we finally got home at about 8 and it was such a relief - I had a headache from the noise, I felt sick from the food, and I was just feeling so low. I don't have to go anywhere over the weekend, which is such a relief. I have actually been feeling so low and suicidal that I even briefly considered calling the CMHT earlier, but I fairly quickly decided against it, because there is absolutely nothing they could do, and I didn't want to risk being told to go to A&E. I figure I will either cope or I won't, and speaking to someone I don't really know or trust isn't going to change that - I will still either cope or I won't. It is hard, because when I feel this low I always have fairly ambivalent feelings about help - I want it because I need something to make me feel less awful, but I don't want it because I just want to die, and don't want to risk anyone interfering with that, but it is harder at the moment because the only person I trust to talk to honestly about how I am feeling, and who actually does help me isn't there, so that kind of just leaves the suicidal thoughts to get stronger and stronger. I hate this.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago