I don't know what I am doing with myself today. I am really finding this lack of concentration hard. I don't know what to do about ballet tonight. I was intending not to go because of hurting my back the other day. But it is feeling slightly better today, although it is still uncomfortable. I suppose I just don't know what else to do with myself if I don't go. Dancing on an injury isn't the brightest thing to do, but maybe it would be ok. I kind of have issues with missing dance classes because then I am not burning calories and so my weight is more likely to be a problem. I found it hard last night not being able to dance at rehearsal - I kept thinking of all the calories I wasn't burning. And then when I ate I felt like I didn't deserve to because I hadn't done anything to burn off the calories. I am supposed to have a dance rehearsal tomorrow too, but I don't think I will be able to do that. Doing a ballet class is one thing, because I can just do what I feel able to etc, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing lifts etc when I still have an injury because it would be too easy to aggravate it. My weight is really frustrating me at the moment. It is just stuck. Which is my own fault, because I am eating too much 'extra' food. Comfort eating. Which isn't even comforting because it makes me feel like a disgusting greedy pig. Yesterday I meant to have a nap in the afternoon because I was so tired, but in the end I ate and purged a piece of carrot cake instead. I don't know why. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't even fancy it. I wasn't hungry. I just saw it and felt compelled to eat some, even though I didn't particularly want it, and knew I would purge afterwards. I felt hideous afterwards, and yet I nearly repeated the whole thing again today. I don't know what I am doing at the moment. My brain feels broken.
I am tired. I am just not really getting enough sleep at the moment, even with the Zopiclone, and I am still tired when I wake up however much sleep I have had. I want to read or watch a DVD or just do something that feels vaguely constructive and I just can't because I don't have any concentration. It is stupid. I really hate myself at the moment. I feel completely useless.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago