L is back. I don't think I have ever been so happy to be wrong in my life. I've not spoken to her, but I called the CMHT earlier to check whether she was back or not, and they said she was. So I will be seeing her tomorrow. It has been 6 weeks - that is a bloody long time. I hope seeing her will help me feel a little more able to cope. Yesterday I was having really strong suicidal thoughts - I had decided that if she wasn't back today then I was going to kill myself, because I just can't cope with feeling like this any more, and it is too difficult not having any support. It sounds stupid saying it like that, but this last week has just been hell - I have been feeling worse and worse, and calling the CMHT on Friday and speaking to the fuckwit just made me feel even worse, because it left me feeling like I had absolutely nowhere to turn to, as I couldn't even call and speak to someone else. So it is a massive relief that L is back. I know it isn't going to fix everything, and I will still feel shit, but at least there will be someone who I trust to talk to about it, and that does make a difference.
I have ballet tonight, and then rehearsal. I haven't managed to learn my lines, so I don't know what to do. I know some of them - maybe the first third, but that is it. I just can't get things to stay in my head at the moment. It was books down a week ago, so the only reason I have got away with it until now is because I wasn't in the scenes they were rehearsing last week. I am feeling really stressed about it all - wish it was over or that I wasn't doing it. It is just too much at the moment. Everything feels too much, but at least with things like ballet, if I need to take a night off it only affects me - with shows it is really difficult, because if you need a night off it messes up the entire rehearsal. It is too much pressure when I am feeling crap.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago