I am feeling pretty crap. Everything just seems wrong. Weight loss this week has been an epic failure - I have lost a sum total of half a pound, which is so little as to not even count. The trouble is, when I get more depressed, I either pretty much lose my appetite (rarely), or I want to comfort eat (frequently). I stop concentrating on my weight quite so much - I would be lying if I said I didn't care about it, or I didn't think about it, but the time I would usually spend thinking about my weight and food is replaced by thoughts about suicide and death, so I tend to be more relaxed with my eating than I would be when things are slightly better mood wise, and the eating disordered thoughts take over and I go into restricting mode. The trouble is, I still care about my weight enough that it upsets me when I don't lose weight, or when I look in the mirror, but I don't have the will power to restrict, because just getting through the day takes up all the energy and motivation I have. So I end up upset, but too tired to do anything about it. We went to a fete this afternoon. I ate an ice cream and 2 cupcakes, and so now feel completely shit about myself.
My sister and her family are now over for dinner. That is difficult for 2 reasons - firstly because it is people here and I don't want to see people, and secondly because it means my mum is cooking a big dinner with dessert etc, and I don't want to eat anything more today, but I will end up eating more, and will have gained weight tomorrow, and will therefore feel even worse. I just want everyone to go and leave me alone. I am really hating having people around or having to see people at the moment. I just want to shut the whole world out. It is times like this when I really wish that I lived on my own. My mum and I end up arguing all the time, and that just makes me feel worse, and then this is the second day running that my sister and her children have been here, and I just feel myself getting more and more irritated and grumpy and pissed off, and just a complete bitch really. I don't want to see friends, I don't want to have people over, I don't want to have to go out to rehearsals. I just want to stay in my bedroom and hide away from the world.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago