I am feeling really bloody shit. There is no other way of saying it really. Today has been crap. Woke up tired, yet again, after not being able to sleep last night, yet again. Weighed myself and had gained half a pound, so felt even more crap about myself. Debated calling the CMHT but didn't know what to say, since there is really only 1 person I would feel able to talk to, and didn't think I could call and ask who was on duty and then hang up if it was someone I didn't want to speak to. And I don't know what I would have said even if it had been the person I would feel able to talk to, because I don't even bloody know what is wrong - I just know that I feel shit and it seems to be getting worse, and I am having suicidal thoughts, and that isn't really a terribly constructive conversation, and there would be nothing she would have said that would have changed any of it. So I didn't bother.
I had ballet tonight. It was about the last thing I felt like doing, but going was easier than explaining to my mum why I didn't want to go. I am finding everything so stressful. I wish I wasn't doing Carousel. There is a stupid bloody countdown thing on the website that I have to check, as it says when I am called for rehearsals, and it is flashing 3 weeks and 5 days to go, 11 rehearsals remaining. That is freaking me out big time. I haven't learnt my lines, and whilst that would normally be a quick job, I have absolutely no concentration, and therefore have no idea how I am going to learn my lines, and it was books down this week - I was only saved by the fact that I had no rehearsals this week apart from a dance rehearsal, as they were doing Act 1 and I am only in Act 2. But next week is Act 2 time, and I don't know my lines. The big dance is also so far from being ready, and I am worried about getting some of the lifts etc perfected in time. I am generally just feeling stressed by it.
Tomorrow should have been a nice, quiet, stress free day, where I could stay in my PJs and do nothing. I had forgotten that Thursdays is the day I have to look after 5 year old nephew when he finishes school however. I got really anxious and panicked earlier thinking about it. I hate the responsibility of looking after someone else, particularly a hyper, bouncy something like my nephew is, and it just feels completely and utterly overwhelming when I am finding it so difficult to even look after myself. I wish my old next door neighbour hadn't moved - if she still lived there then she wouldn't have minded looking after him for me, but there is nobody now. I have just started crying because I feel so stressed about it. It is stupid, because I know it will be fine, but I just don't want to have to entertain a 5 year old and pretend to be fine and happy when I am feeling this bad.
I was really hoping I would have started feeling better by now, but every day seems to be harder than the one before. I really don't know what to do. I have spent about 5 hours writing this, and not doing much else - that is the kind of speed that my brain is working on. I am really struggling to keep going, I just feel like I can't cope anymore.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago