I was supposed to be going to London today, but I didn't go. My mum was going to meet up with someone, and I had thought that since there are several things I need to do/buy in London, I may as well go as well, but by yesterday I really wasn't feeling like it. I set my alarm this morning for a time that would allow me decide whether or not to go, but I really just wasn't in the mood. I am really tired, so I might try and get some more sleep. I did manage to sleep before 6am last night - I think I got to sleep about 2, which is pretty impressive, as every other night this week it has been after 6, but I slept quite badly - I woke up loads, and it was just quite a disturbed night. And I only had about 6 hours sleep, including interruptions, so I woke up feeling pretty exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. I am finding that every day seems to be worse than the one before. The trouble is, I find my mood really starts to slip mid afternoon, and is really very bad by the evening, by which time there is nobody I can call. So then I decide that I just have to get through to the next day, and then I will call the CMHT, and then the next day comes, and although I am feeling bad, I don't start feeling really horrific and like I don't know if I can stay safe or not until it is too late. And so it goes on. I think I probably am safe, because I am in the kind of depression where I just have no energy to do anything, and my thoughts are all confused, and I couldn't plan how to walk out of the door, let alone my suicide. But the thoughts still whirr around in my head and are really distressing, and I just feel really alone. But if I called I don't know what I would say. Could say. I can't even formulate thoughts properly, let alone words.
I really, really wish that I could just shut off for a couple of weeks. Obviously given the choice completely I would rather just be dead, but I am aware that would upset people, and so I do try to think of alternatives when I can. And right now I would really like to have a couple of weeks where I don't have to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone, pretend to feel ok when I don't, have any responsibilities or committments. Anything. No rehearsals, no ballet, no line learning, no family, no feeling obliged to do anything. I just want a break I suppose. Need. I just feel completely drained and exhausted and stressed. Unfortunately I think suicide would be more possible than a complete break like that would be. Although I don't work, or have anything that other people would see as big committments, I find that all the little things just pile up and get me down when I am already struggling. And I need a break. A break from having to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago