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Friday, 10 September 2010

One wish

I am struggling a lot. L is going to be off for at least the next couple of weeks apparently. I can't imagine being able to get through that time. I am feeling really awful. I am trying to find things to keep going for. It is my Dad's birthday on Tuesday, so I am taking that as my goal to reach. After that maybe I will be able to find something else, or maybe I won't. I don't know. I don't really care at the moment either. I just know that everything feels too much - too big, too hard, too scary, and I don't know how to cope with it. I wish I could just erase myself from life. Make it so that I had never existed, so that I could disappear without upsetting people. That would be my one wish, if I could wish for anything. To just not exist. The song lyrics from yesterday feel so right at the moment. I am falling, fast, and the only person who can ever help to stop me from falling, or slow it down, isn't around. I just want to cry and cry, but I feel empty and numb.
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4 comments:

  1. Anonymous10 September 2010 at 20:40

    If L isn't around can you talk to Dr E or Dr O? It's so important to reach out when you're not feeling well.

    I can relate to your wish, as I have wished for the same thing. Living is really difficult sometimes.

    Hang on, Bippidee. I care about you and want to see you happy.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

    Word verification: jolly. Isn't it ironic?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Bippidee10 September 2010 at 22:50

    Haha, that really is ironic!

    I can't speak to anyone until Monday now, or at least I could call the out of hours number that goes through to the ward, but all they say is to go to A&E if I am feeling suicidal, and that is pointless. Monday I could phone the CMHT and ask to speak to whoever is on duty, but a) most of them are morons, b) I don't think I would trust any of them to be honest about how I felt, as I don't know them really, and don't want to be sent to A&E, and c) I don't really know what anyone can do. I am not even sure of how I could get hold of Dr E, and again, there would be nothing she could do. Dr O only works Wednesdays and Fridays, and I could speak to her, but she tends to tell me to learn to cross stitch, or to replace my suicidal thoughts with the thought that I like dogs or something - I always get the impression she is slightly out of her depth with me! I don't know. L is the only person I know who will just talk through how I am feeling with me, and who won't overreact, but I still feel like I am being taken seriously. I don't know. As I said, I will make sure I am ok until Tuesday, and after that I will just see how I am feeling I suppose. Thank you for commenting. xxxx

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  3. Anonymous11 September 2010 at 01:06

    hugs hugs and more hugs. thats all! x

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  4. Ruby Tuesday11 September 2010 at 13:06

    I think that having a goal/event to reach is a good idea, (it's something I do as well, to try to avoid self-harming). I hope that you find something else after Tuesday. Please take care x

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