Yes, gaining weight definitely still bothers me. Admittedly it was only 0.2 of a pound, which rationally I can see doesn't really even count, but it does count, and it does bother me. So that confirms yesterday's theory that losing weight doesn't seem to really matter, ie it doesn't make me feel any better, but gaining weight definitely makes me feel worse.
The rehearsal last night was actually ok. I really wasn't in the mood, even after I had been there for a while. An hour or so in I was just thinking how much I wanted to go home - I had just been doing some of my acting scenes, and was warming up for the ballet, and I just couldn't be bothered. I was doing these ridiculously half hearted stretches and wishing I was at home. In the end I did warm up properly, because I knew I would just injure myself if I didn't, and actually when we got going it was quite fun. We were working on the pas de deux section for the first time, and I have done very little in the way of pas de deux before, so I had to really concentrate on it, as some of the lifts were really quite complicated. I was really quite stressed and self conscious before we started that I was going to be too heavy for him to be able to lift me properly, and it would be really awkward, but he must be very strong as he didn't seem to have any problems.
I am going to the theatre tonight with my mum. I don't really feel like it, but I booked it before I was feeling like this, so I didn't know I would be in a hibernating mood by now. I am sure it will be good and I will enjoy it - I just feel like I want to stay at home at the moment. I don't have any more rehearsals this week, so that is one good thing - I don't have to go out any other evenings. Or days come to that. In fact, I probably don't actually have to leave the house until next Monday after tonight. That feels like a good thing at the moment. I am really missing L though. I am struggling a lot, and it is really difficult not having her to talk to. And I am worried about her, because it must be something quite serious for her to be off for a second week. I really hope that she is ok, and that she is back soon.
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago