Today is feeling much the same as yesterday. I am tired, feeling very low and just want to block out the world. The only positive at all I can find is that my weight has gone down the last couple of days - I have somehow lost a little over a pound in the last 2 days, and am now at a very slightly lower weight than I was pre-holiday. Unfortunately, because I feel so shit, even losing weight isn't making me feel good. Although I am sure that gaining weight would still make me feel bad. But it just all seems a bit irrelevant. So I have lost a pound? Big deal - it isn't going to make me feel better or change my life. And yet gaining weight would be catastrophic. Which is a bit weird really. At the moment it seems like I feel like my weight doesn't matter, as long as it is going down, which is obviously something of a contradiction....
I have a rehearsal tonight, which I am really not in the mood for. I wish I could pull a sickie, but that would mean the whole rehearsal would be no good, as it is a dance rehearsal for the Act 2 ballet that is primarily me. So I will have to go, and pretend to be happy and sociable, and everything that I am not feeling.
I rung the CMHT to see if L was there - they said she is off sick. I asked if they knew when she would be back, and they said no. When they first called last Tuesday and said she was off, they said she should be back the next day. Then I called on Thursday and they said she would be back at the beginning of this week. Now they don't know when she will be back. I hope that she is ok, but obviously this isn't good timing for me to not have any support. It is 3 weeks now since I last saw her, because I was away, and then she was off last week, and now it is looking like she won't even be back this week. I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I can get through this week on my own - things are really getting on top of me. I could call and ask to speak to whoever is on duty, but I don't trust anyone else, and so I wouldn't be able to talk to them properly, so I don't think it would help. And I don't want to end up speaking to one of the fuckwits who would say I had to go to A&E if I mentioned the word suicidal, because that is an entirely pointless exercise. So it looks like I am on my own. And I really feel like I am.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago