It has been a pretty uneventful day. A few days ago I had ordered a Sims expansion pack online, because I thought it might give me something to do and keep me occupied and distracted for a while, and that arrived this morning. I installed it and tried to play it but just couldn't be bothered - I couldn't concentrate and it just didn't interest me, so I gave up after a while. I am just trying to find something that will interest me and hold my attention and there is nothing. Last week when I was away, I was starting to feel like I was on the edge of things getting worse again, and I tried to make a mental list of things that I like doing so that I could use it if things did get worse. I came up with a few things. The trouble is, I had forgotten how much my concentration and motivation disappear, and so it has rendered my list useless. Reading? Yes, great when things aren't too bad, but I can't get through a page again now. In the week I was away I read 4 books - since I have been home I have read 1 book, and that was in the first couple of days after I got home. Since then I have been trying and trying and can't even get through 1 chapter. Logic puzzles - I like logic puzzles. I tend to forget about them for the majority of the year, but for some reason I always take a puzzle book on holiday with me, and get one at Christmas, and the logic puzzles are always my favourite. But I can't do them now. I stare at them and they just make no sense to me. How on earth am I supposed to work them out? And why would I want to? Why would I give a shit who bought which present and where and how much it cost? Watching TV/DVDs. I try putting the TV on, but it either irritates me to the point where I have to turn it off, or I drift off and realise I haven't actually got a clue what is going on. The internet. I spend hours and hours a day on the internet - I send emails, I read blogs, I read articles about various things, I read message boards, I look things up. Now I turn on the computer, check my email, and then wonder what I usually do after that. I look at some blogs, but they seem confusing and complicated. I try looking at some message boards, but decide I don't actually care about anything being discussed. It all seems pointless. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything I can think of to do is just beyond me. It either seems far too difficult and complicated, or completely pointless, or both.
I had an uneventful appointment with my GP earlier. We discussed the crap weather in Cornwall, as she was on holiday in Cornwall the same week as me. I noticed multiple mistakes in my notes that I pointed out. Her notes said I have been sectioned, which I haven't. There were a couple of incorrect diagnoses on there, including Narcissistic Personality Disorder (long story but a fuckwit of a psychologist, who actually seemed fairly narcissistic herself, diagnosed me with that once - that was my first PD diagnosis, and probably the reason I ended up with a BPD diagnosis, as everyone else realised that Narcissistic Personality Disorder was completely and utterly inaccurate and that I didn't meet a single disagnostic criteria, but seemed to feel the need to diagnose me with some type of Personality Disorder, and Borderline seemed most appropriate. That is my interpretation of events anyway. But that was all about 2 years ago, so shouldn't still be on my notes). Missing suicide attempt. I think that was more or less it. She changed all the wrong things, added the right things, wondered how the wrong things had ended up on there. Exciting stuff.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago