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Thursday 16 September 2010

Crap day

Today has been difficult. I knew it would be. I slept badly yet again last night, so have been very tired again. Even when I haven't had much sleep though, I still can't sleep any better the next night - I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. Today started badly. For a start my alarm went off and I had that weird thing when it just completely shocks you and you have no idea where you are or what that noise is, and then when I realised it was my alarm I had no idea why I had set it and nearly turned it off. I then realised it was going off because I was going out for lunch with T, and my heart sunk. I did not want to have to go out and have to be sociable and pretend to be fine and happy and I did not want to eat out, particularly at lunch time, when I generally don't like eating until the evening. It then got even worse when I went to weigh myself and had gained yet again. I haven't been this heavy since I was on holiday, pre stomach bug. I feel like a complete bloody failure - I have gained nearly 3lbs in the last week or so. This often happens - as my mood gets lower I lose the motivation to focus on my weight the way I do normally, and I just end up comfort eating. It is ridiculous, as comfort eating does not help me, and it does not make me feel better - I just feel guilty for being such a greedy pig. And then obviously my weight goes up the next day and I feel even worse about myself and even more depressed, and end up comfort eating yet again. So anyway, I was in about the worst place I could be emotionally for going out for a meal, and I had only been awake for 15 minutes.

We went to a local pub that does good food. T had a main meal and I had a baguette. We both had desserts. I felt hideous eating the whole thing. I felt greedy and disgusting, and was worried about gaining again tomorrow. Naturally I purged - I just can't seem to help myself when I eat out. I rarely purge when I am at home nowadays, but when I am out I just have to do it. I then had the bloody disaster of the toilet refusing to flush. Not because of my purging - it just didn't have any water coming into it when I flushed the handle. So that was fun. In the end I had to just put the toilet seat down and leave....

Tomorrow is yet another fun packed day. It was baby nephew's 1st birthday today (what is it with this week and birthdays - my dad, T and baby nephew within 2 days!), so tomorrow we have to go to my sister's for his little birthday party thing. Which will involve food and cake no doubt.

I had a letter from the CMHT today, so that was fun. It said;

'Dear Bippidee,
As you may know L has been off work for a few weeks. I am expecting her back week commencing 27th September and so would like to offer you an appointment at the CMHT for Tuesday 28th at 11am. If this date is not convenient, or of course if you would like to speak to a member of the team in the interim, please contact the office and we can make the necessary arrangements.
Yours sincerely,
The Manager'

So that was lovely to finally receive some communication from them. I particularly liked 'as you may know L has been off work for a few weeks'. Really?? You know I hadn't noticed. Since you told me she would be back the next day I just assumed she had been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks. But anyway, hopefully I have an appointment with her in nearly 2 weeks. Unless she is off for longer of course. And assuming I can get through the next 2 weeks, which feels fairly unlikely at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are very strong. I do not want to be here. At all. I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going.

7 comments:

  1. Thats nice CMHT have written to you finally!

    2 weeks is not so bad, you have done so well already :)

    If you need anything give me a tweet, i often check and will chat away to u if are particularly bored or struggling..

    xx

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  2. Thanks honey, I appreciate it. And I know technically 2 weeks isn't long, but it feels like such a long time when I am feeling like this. Even a day feels like a crazily long time, and I would usually see her at least once a week, maybe twice a week if I was feeling particularly bad, and would almost certainly have phone contact given how I am feeling, so another 2 weeks with no support at all feels pretty impossible. And I don't actually know if I care right now - I have just had enough you know? x

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  3. Thinking of you constantly, sweetheart -worried about you and hoping you can hold tight to the good thoughts,like how much I care and how brave and strong I think you are...I will hope that the 28th comes soooo quickly!!
    You deserve to feel happy and on top of things, you really do. I hate that you are struggling so much. I wish I was in UK to come and hug you and chat all night...I honestly do!!
    By the way...my baby nephew also turned 1 yesterday...the party is this weekend also.
    LOVE AND HUGS AND CARE AND THOUGHTS,
    Jennifer xxoooooooo

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  4. I'm glad that the CMHT finally contacted you. It was (and is) really irresponsible to have left you hanging like they did.

    I'm sorry things suck and that you felt you needed to purge. I can relate to all of that. Maybe it's just a bad week for girls with depression and eating disorders.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  5. *squish*

    I really hope things get better soon.

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  6. Once my therapist was sick and cancelled... took her 2 weeks to call me back. I hope you're feeling better.

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  7. Thanks everyone. Jenna, mine isn't not calling me back - she has been off sick for the last 3 weeks now, and is off next week as well. Hopefully she will be back the week after. x

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