Today has been difficult. I knew it would be. I slept badly yet again last night, so have been very tired again. Even when I haven't had much sleep though, I still can't sleep any better the next night - I don't understand it. It is very frustrating. Today started badly. For a start my alarm went off and I had that weird thing when it just completely shocks you and you have no idea where you are or what that noise is, and then when I realised it was my alarm I had no idea why I had set it and nearly turned it off. I then realised it was going off because I was going out for lunch with T, and my heart sunk. I did not want to have to go out and have to be sociable and pretend to be fine and happy and I did not want to eat out, particularly at lunch time, when I generally don't like eating until the evening. It then got even worse when I went to weigh myself and had gained yet again. I haven't been this heavy since I was on holiday, pre stomach bug. I feel like a complete bloody failure - I have gained nearly 3lbs in the last week or so. This often happens - as my mood gets lower I lose the motivation to focus on my weight the way I do normally, and I just end up comfort eating. It is ridiculous, as comfort eating does not help me, and it does not make me feel better - I just feel guilty for being such a greedy pig. And then obviously my weight goes up the next day and I feel even worse about myself and even more depressed, and end up comfort eating yet again. So anyway, I was in about the worst place I could be emotionally for going out for a meal, and I had only been awake for 15 minutes.
We went to a local pub that does good food. T had a main meal and I had a baguette. We both had desserts. I felt hideous eating the whole thing. I felt greedy and disgusting, and was worried about gaining again tomorrow. Naturally I purged - I just can't seem to help myself when I eat out. I rarely purge when I am at home nowadays, but when I am out I just have to do it. I then had the bloody disaster of the toilet refusing to flush. Not because of my purging - it just didn't have any water coming into it when I flushed the handle. So that was fun. In the end I had to just put the toilet seat down and leave....
Tomorrow is yet another fun packed day. It was baby nephew's 1st birthday today (what is it with this week and birthdays - my dad, T and baby nephew within 2 days!), so tomorrow we have to go to my sister's for his little birthday party thing. Which will involve food and cake no doubt.
I had a letter from the CMHT today, so that was fun. It said;
As you may know L has been off work for a few weeks. I am expecting her back week commencing 27th September and so would like to offer you an appointment at the CMHT for Tuesday 28th at 11am. If this date is not convenient, or of course if you would like to speak to a member of the team in the interim, please contact the office and we can make the necessary arrangements.
So that was lovely to finally receive some communication from them. I particularly liked 'as you may know L has been off work for a few weeks'. Really?? You know I hadn't noticed. Since you told me she would be back the next day I just assumed she had been ignoring me for the last 3 weeks. But anyway, hopefully I have an appointment with her in nearly 2 weeks. Unless she is off for longer of course. And assuming I can get through the next 2 weeks, which feels fairly unlikely at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are very strong. I do not want to be here. At all. I am just finding it harder and harder to keep going.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago