I am ridiculously tired. It is 1:30, and I have only been up since 10, but I am at that point where you can't actually stand up or walk without swaying a little bit, and I keep typing completely the wrong words and letters etc, so I think I am going to have to have a sleep this afternoon if I want any chance of being awake for rehearsal tonight. This exhaustion seems to have come about because I didn't take a Zopiclone last night, as I knew I had to be up at 10, to get to my appointment for 11, and I find that unless I can just sleep until I wake naturally then Zopiclone makes me feel a bit hung over. In retrospect feeling hung over would have been preferable. Despite being completely exhausted, as I should have been following a ballet class and a dance rehearsal, I just could not get to sleep last night. I think in the end I managed to sleep at about 5:30am, but that only gave me 4 and a half hours sleep, and it was fairly disturbed at that. I don't know why I couldn't sleep earlier. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, but sleep just would not happen. I think my brain was just buzzing too much, despite having had a Diazepam to try and calm it down a bit. So anyway, I think an afternoon nap is now called for.
I have rehearsal tonight. That is slightly awkward as I seem to have done my back in rather at the rehearsal last night. There is a bit in the pas de deux section of the dance where I have to go from a fish dive up to being thrown back over the guy's shoulder and I seem to have tweaked my back - I am not sure what I did exactly, but it is rather painful. Not agonising or anything, but very uncomfortable and keeps twinging. It was uncomfortable yesterday, and then overnight it was quite painful, and is hurting today. I don't think I will be able to dance at the rehearsal tonight. I will make mark it if it is feeling better, but there is no point making it worse. I have taken some Ibuprofen - I don't really like taking painkillers for injuries, as I don't think there is much point in just masking the pain, and you can end up doing more damage if you can't feel the pain, but I do make an exception for Ibuprofen as it is an anti-inflammatory, and I think I probably need that at the moment. I hope it gets better soon though, as it is quite uncomfortable.
I saw L this morning. I have missed her so, so much. It was really good to see her and to have someone to talk to about everything. Obviously it didn't change how I am feeling, but just being able to express those feelings and have them validated makes a difference. I think I mentioned before that she had talked about referring me to the Psychologist. That is going ahead - I will be having an assessment sometime, and then almost certainly be seeing her for CAT. CAT isn't ideal, ie it isn't either DBT or long term psychotherapy, but it has to be worth a try, and maybe it will help. The psychologist is supposed to be good, and she seems nice too from what I have heard. It probably won't be for a couple of months though. L also said that she was going to bring up with the rest of the team what happened on Friday, with the fuckwit calling me. She said it shouldn't have happened - it says on my care plan that I should be able to speak to someone suitable if she isn't there, and he is not suitable - partially because I am more comfortable speaking to women, and it says that I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible, and partly because I have a history with him and it is all rather awkward. I am glad that she didn't think I was overreacting and being awkward and difficult for being unhappy that it was him who had called.
Will I make it through?
6 days ago