I am really struggling. I suppose being so exhausted all day hasn't helped, but I am just feeling so low anyway. I spent most of the afternoon feeling too tired and shit to move, and then in the end decided I really had to start getting ready to go off to the photo call as it was getting late. That was alright I suppose. I got dumped in an awful skirt and blouse that were both about 4 sizes too big (no exaggeration) that had to be pinned liberally for the publicity pictures, but they looked alright from the front once pinned I guess. Then just had to have my headshot done (back in normal clothes) which only took a minute.
After that I was going out for a meal with my parents for my Dad's birthday. I didn't actually want to eat out. My weight has been going up anyway lately - slowly, but it is still moving in the wrong direction - and so eating out felt quite scary, plus of course it is very difficult to sit and make conversation and pretend everything is fine when you are feeling like complete shit and sitting there contemplating suicide. But I didn't like to say I didn't want to go since it was his birthday, so off we went to Pizza Express. I ate a pizza and then shared a dessert with my Mum. I naturally felt like complete shit after that and did purge. To be honest it ended up being a pretty half assed job, as my mum came into the toilets only a few minutes after I had gone in, so I hadn't had time to do much, but I didn't want to risk carrying on with somebody in there (I didn't actually know it was her at the time - just that someone had come in). I also felt really low and crap all night and just wanted to get home and be by myself.
I am really finding everything so difficult. It has definitely got to the point where I don't know if I can keep going. I am feeling so desperate and terrible, and I don't know how to make things feel easier. I also don't see the point. Even in my 'good' patches, I still feel crap. I still think about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't really enjoy anything. And then the bad patches come along, and I just can't deal with them. And if I want to die even when I am doing better, then really I don't see the point in fighting it. If I were to kill myself it wouldn't be some impulsive thing because I was having a bad day. I don't remember the last time a day went by without me thinking that I wanted to die. And that is really fucking exhausting. In some ways I am coping, even at the moment when I am feeling so bad. I am going to rehearsals. I went to ballet on Monday. Therefore I am functioning. So I must be fine. But in some ways I am not coping. I am having constant suicidal thoughts. I have no concentration, so I can't read or learn lines or do anything else constructive. My sleep is terrible. My eating is not great. I have no motivation. I only get dressed when it is absolutely essential because I have to leave the house, ie when I have rehearsal. The same goes for showering. I spend the rest of the time in my bed. A lot of it just staring into space, because I don't have the concentration or motivation to do anything else. I hate being around people, so avoid whenever possible. So am I functioning? I don't know. I don't even know if it matters. Ultimately it doesn't really make any difference. I am not going to think 'well I went to rehearsal last night, so things must be ok, therefore I won't kill myself today', and neither would I think 'I missed a rehearsal, therefore I can't cope with life and need to kill myself'. I don't know if I will kill myself or not. There is absolutely no question in my mind that death is what I want, but I don't want to upset people, and unfortunately that is an inevitable consequence. Even if I know that they would be better off without me, they wouldn't see that, and I know that. It is definitely difficult not having anyone to talk to with L away. It makes me feel very isolated. Which I am actually, and to a large degree it is self enforced, but that is because I find it too difficult to put on a happy mask for extended periods of time, which is what I have to do when I am around people. L is the only person that I ever feel I can be completely honest with about how I am feeling, and without her I think I am just closing off from the world even more than I do normally when I am feeling bad. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can get through this period. I don't know if I have the energy to. I don't even know if I want to.
It is 1am, and I am exhausted again. I want to sleep, but I am terrified of having another night like last night when I sleep for an hour or so and then spend hours and hours trying to sleep and getting increasingly stressed because I can't. I really just can't cope with things any more. It all feels too much. I can't do it.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago