Quiter day

I am still feeling really shit, but it has been really good not having to do anything or go anywhere today. People always say that keeping busy is good for you and will distract you and make you feel better etc, but I just don't find that works - when I feel really bad I find that the more I do the worse I feel. I just get increasingly stressed and pressured and overwhelmed, and it puts me in a worse place than I would be if I had sat at home on my own doing absolutely nothing. I can cope with doing maybe a couple of things in a week, but more than that starts getting too much, and this week was 2 ballet classes, a photo shoot, 2 meals and a birthday party - that was just way more than I can cope with. I feel pathetic for saying that, as some people manage to go out to work and do all sorts of things, even when they are feeling bad, but I just find the more I do the worse I feel. Next week will hopefully be a bit quieter - I have 2 ballet classes and 1 rehearsal, but I think that is all. Or that is all I have in my diary at the moment - I am sure some other things will pop up, but I really hope not too much.

I have purged 4 times this week. Whilst in the grand scheme of things this isn't that much - a lot of people do it far more than that, and there have been periods when I was purging that much every day - it isn't that great for someone who doesn't consider themselves to do that any more. In my head purging is something I used to do, rather than something I still do, but clearly that isn't quite true... I don't want to get into purging a lot again. I am much more comfortable with restricting - I don't feel bad about myself then in the same way I do when I purge - but if I eat things I think I shouldn't have, or have the opportunity to purge then I just need to. But it hurts my throat, and therefore my voice, and makes me feel shitty and it is not nice. I need to be able to get back into restricting and losing weight. Since a few weeks ago when I got back from Cornwall and aimed to lose 1.4lbs a week on average, I have gained a pound. That is really shit. At first it was going alright - I wasn't losing much, but it was at least going the right way. Then this last week I have just gained loads - I think I have just been feeling so low that I have stopped caring in the same way and been comfort eating, but I still do care when I gain, and I feel so terrible about myself now.

The suicidal thoughts are still really strong. I am finding I am constantly thinking about when would be the best time for me to act on the thoughts - when I would have the longest before being found, what the best thing to do is. Just planning basically. Quite obsessively. I don't know what to do.