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Sunday, 12 September 2010
I haven't written anything for a couple of days, partly because I haven't had the energy to, and partly because I haven't known what to write. I still don't actually. I am completely exhausted. My sleep has been really bad, particularly this last week. The worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets - I get to sleep later and later. I don't know why. I am very tired. My weight is a bit crap - I have gained the last couple of days. Not much, but gaining at all makes me feel bad. I have decided why losing weight doesn't really make me feel anything at the moment but gaining does - I know that if I weighed a stone less I would still be feeling like this, my mood would still be like this - it wouldn't be some miracle cure that would make me happy, therefore it doesn't seem terribly relevant. But being a stone heavier would make me feel even worse, and that is why gaining weight makes me feel bad even though losing weight doesn't make me feel good. I have spent about 2 hours writing this. I just can't concentrate on anything or think properly. I have to write my programme bio for Carousel. I have had 2 weeks to do it, and it absolutely has to be done today. I can't bloody write about myself in 3rd person. I feel like a twat. And I don't know how to make it more interesting than just a list of parts I have played, because who wants to read that?! The suicidal thoughts are pretty strong. Just concentrating on getting to Tuesday at the moment. Only 2 days. I have ballet tomorrow night. First class back after the summer. That will hurt. Although it might not be too bad because I have obviously had several dance rehearsals for Carousel lately, so am fairly flexible from stretching at those warming up etc. I am 2.4lbs heavier than I wanted to be by tomorrow. I had set myself a short term target weight for going back to dance, and have totally missed it. Failure.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.