Sunday, 12 September 2010
I haven't written anything for a couple of days, partly because I haven't had the energy to, and partly because I haven't known what to write. I still don't actually. I am completely exhausted. My sleep has been really bad, particularly this last week. The worse I feel, the worse my sleep gets - I get to sleep later and later. I don't know why. I am very tired. My weight is a bit crap - I have gained the last couple of days. Not much, but gaining at all makes me feel bad. I have decided why losing weight doesn't really make me feel anything at the moment but gaining does - I know that if I weighed a stone less I would still be feeling like this, my mood would still be like this - it wouldn't be some miracle cure that would make me happy, therefore it doesn't seem terribly relevant. But being a stone heavier would make me feel even worse, and that is why gaining weight makes me feel bad even though losing weight doesn't make me feel good. I have spent about 2 hours writing this. I just can't concentrate on anything or think properly. I have to write my programme bio for Carousel. I have had 2 weeks to do it, and it absolutely has to be done today. I can't bloody write about myself in 3rd person. I feel like a twat. And I don't know how to make it more interesting than just a list of parts I have played, because who wants to read that?! The suicidal thoughts are pretty strong. Just concentrating on getting to Tuesday at the moment. Only 2 days. I have ballet tomorrow night. First class back after the summer. That will hurt. Although it might not be too bad because I have obviously had several dance rehearsals for Carousel lately, so am fairly flexible from stretching at those warming up etc. I am 2.4lbs heavier than I wanted to be by tomorrow. I had set myself a short term target weight for going back to dance, and have totally missed it. Failure.