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Wednesday, 15 September 2010
I want out
I am feeling really awful today. I feel like I have been slowed down. My brain is going slowly, I am moving slowly. It takes me ages to do anything. I have just been in bed, but when I have needed to get up for the toilet or something it has taken me so long to find the energy to do it. I slept for quite a long while last night, although not until after 5am, but I still feel completely exhausted. I have ballet tonight but I really don't want to go. I feel so terrible and so slow and it just seems an utterly absurd thing to do. What on earth is the point of jumping and spinning around a room for an hour? What does it achieve? When I feel like this I just feel absolutely baffled by everything - I don't understand the point of anything. It just confuses me. I know there must be a reason why I do ballet, but I honestly couldn't say what it is right now. I am also feeling shit because the stupid bloody meal last night made me gain over a pound today. I am now 2lbs heavier than I was this time last week. That is not fucking okay. I do not want to get into a bloody leotard and tights and prance around looking like a bloody elephant. To make matters even worse, it is T's birthday tomorrow, and I have agreed to go out for lunch with him. That will be another fucking pound. Plus I don't want to go out for another meal. I don't want to have to socialise and pretend to be normal. I really can't cope with all of this. I feel like I am going into meltdown mode. There is just all of this stuff going on and I can't bloody deal with it. It is too much and I can't cope. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger and I just want out.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.