Wednesday, 15 September 2010
I want out
I am feeling really awful today. I feel like I have been slowed down. My brain is going slowly, I am moving slowly. It takes me ages to do anything. I have just been in bed, but when I have needed to get up for the toilet or something it has taken me so long to find the energy to do it. I slept for quite a long while last night, although not until after 5am, but I still feel completely exhausted. I have ballet tonight but I really don't want to go. I feel so terrible and so slow and it just seems an utterly absurd thing to do. What on earth is the point of jumping and spinning around a room for an hour? What does it achieve? When I feel like this I just feel absolutely baffled by everything - I don't understand the point of anything. It just confuses me. I know there must be a reason why I do ballet, but I honestly couldn't say what it is right now. I am also feeling shit because the stupid bloody meal last night made me gain over a pound today. I am now 2lbs heavier than I was this time last week. That is not fucking okay. I do not want to get into a bloody leotard and tights and prance around looking like a bloody elephant. To make matters even worse, it is T's birthday tomorrow, and I have agreed to go out for lunch with him. That will be another fucking pound. Plus I don't want to go out for another meal. I don't want to have to socialise and pretend to be normal. I really can't cope with all of this. I feel like I am going into meltdown mode. There is just all of this stuff going on and I can't bloody deal with it. It is too much and I can't cope. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger and I just want out.