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Wednesday 15 September 2010

I want out

I am feeling really awful today. I feel like I have been slowed down. My brain is going slowly, I am moving slowly. It takes me ages to do anything. I have just been in bed, but when I have needed to get up for the toilet or something it has taken me so long to find the energy to do it. I slept for quite a long while last night, although not until after 5am, but I still feel completely exhausted. I have ballet tonight but I really don't want to go. I feel so terrible and so slow and it just seems an utterly absurd thing to do. What on earth is the point of jumping and spinning around a room for an hour? What does it achieve? When I feel like this I just feel absolutely baffled by everything - I don't understand the point of anything. It just confuses me. I know there must be a reason why I do ballet, but I honestly couldn't say what it is right now. I am also feeling shit because the stupid bloody meal last night made me gain over a pound today. I am now 2lbs heavier than I was this time last week. That is not fucking okay. I do not want to get into a bloody leotard and tights and prance around looking like a bloody elephant. To make matters even worse, it is T's birthday tomorrow, and I have agreed to go out for lunch with him. That will be another fucking pound. Plus I don't want to go out for another meal. I don't want to have to socialise and pretend to be normal. I really can't cope with all of this. I feel like I am going into meltdown mode. There is just all of this stuff going on and I can't bloody deal with it. It is too much and I can't cope. The suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger and I just want out.
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2 comments:

  1. Anonymous15 September 2010 at 18:40

    Bip, I so want to write something here that will be both encouraging and helpful, but my mindset is so similar to yours right now that I just can't find the words.

    Perhaps all I can say is that you aren't alone, I know you feel incredibly isolated but I also know how hard it is to keep the happy mask on when you have to spend time with people. I know ballet must seem like such a pointless thing to do right now, but when you have been more emotionally stable you have said that you enjoy it, that you love the performing arts. So I guess that is why you do it, because at some points in life it feels like that is all you have ever wanted to do.

    And yet I can understand why right now it seems like such a pointless venture, maybe by carrying on going to it you are trying to give yourself one other little bit of reason to stay alive, with the reminder that at one point you enjoyed this. Or maybe just having an hour or so out of the house, even if you don't feel that you have the energy for it, actually helps you by giving you a change of environment for a little while and giving you something to help distract from those horrible suicidal thoughts.

    The only thing that came to mind there was asking you if you have any sort of support groups near you that you could attend? I live in the middle of nowhere but recently discovered there is a mental health group nearby, I would be worried about going to it on my own, but maybe it helps a little bit to think that there is at least one avenue I haven't tried yet.

    I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but want you to know that I'm here any time you need to speak to someone *hugs* xx

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  2. Anonymous15 September 2010 at 19:06

    I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. But I'm also really worried about you. Can you call Dr. E or Dr. O to get some help?

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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