Fuckwittery

I am really bloody pissed off. I finally decided to call the CMHT, as I really felt like I needed to talk things through with someone, and obviously it is the weekend coming up so there won't be anyone to talk to then, and since I am really not feeling good I thought it would be a good idea to speak to someone today. So I rung the CMHT. First I got the answerphone, so I called back a little bit later and spoke to the receptionist. I asked who was on duty, as there were a couple of people I knew I would not want to speak to, but she asked who was calling and said she would check if there was anyone available. She came back and said nobody was around, but that someone would call me back, but it wouldn't be until a bit later, probably about 4 (it was 2:45 then). I said that was fine. 5 minutes later the phone rang. I thought it was probably my GP, as I had called earlier and left a message asking if she could call, as I wanted some sleeping tablets to take short term. I answered the phone and it was the CMHT. Of everyone in the CMHT who could have called me, this is the person I would not have wanted to speak to. I can't remember if I have written about him before or not.

He used to be my care coordinator and was a complete bloody incompetent, moronic, fuckwit. I spent the year that I was forced to see him requesting to see someone else (particularly as I had said before I even met him that I wanted to see a female), he spent the time saying he was just assessing me, and that when he had finished assessing me I might get to see someone else, or I might be discharged. I made complaints about him to the manager. I spoke to the people whose name I can't remember. What are they called? PALS. Yes. I spoke to my GP. My mum spoke to the manager. Everyone tried to get them to give me a different care coordinator, but they kept refusing. Originally I was just seeing him for a 3 month assessment. 3 months stretched to 6, 6 months to a year. I was supposed to see him fortnightly - he didn't think I needed seeing weekly. I mostly saw him monthly, as he was always on leave or busy. I cannot think of one positive thing to say about this man. He was by far the most incompetent mental health professional I have ever seen, and that is really saying something. He would spend 20 minutes every few weeks asking how I was and would then ignore the answer. If I smiled he said it was nice to see me happy. If I sat there on the verge of bursting into tears and saying I wanted to die he said I seemed a bit brighter. A couple of times when things were particularly bad he said I seemed a bit down today, but that he didn't think going into hospital would help me. Not that I had mentioned going into hospital. If I rung up between appointments because I was feeling desperate, I only had to mention the word suicide for him to say that he needed to speak to my mum (I was 23 - fuck off), and that I had to go to A&E to be assessed. What they were supposed to be assessing I was never sure, since my notes said not to admit me. I suspect it was because he knew I may well try and kill myself, and if he had sent me to A&E, then he could say at a tribunal that he had done everything he could as he had sent me to hospital to be assessed. Without fail I left appointments with him feeling even worse than I had when I had arrived. I hated seeing him, he must have known I hated seeing him (I was going to say he isn't stupid, but I think that actually he is) by my repeated requests to see somebody else. But he was incredibly reluctant to let me see anyone else. He lied and told me the reason I couldn't see a female was because none had any space on their case load. I have since found out that this was a complete lie. Apparently when someone had space I might be able to see them, although he thought I might be able to be discharged instead of seeing someone else. Just thinking about him makes me so bloody angry. So yes, he was a complete bloody fuckwit.

So who called today? He did of course! I answered the phone and nearly burst into tears when I heard his voice. I knew there was no way on earth that I could say how I was feeling, or he would make me go to A&E to be assessed, and I know from all of the times he made me do that before that it is an entirely pointless exercise. So I just wanted to get off the phone as quickly as possible. He asked why I had called, and I muttered something about just finding it a bit hard with L away. He asked what was going on. I was trying to think of the vaguest answers I possibly could because I didn't want to talk to him, and I didn't want to be sent to A&E. He asked what I had been doing with L that might help. I said I write a lot. He sounded slightly confused but asked if I thought I could do some writing. I said yes, despite having just done some writing. He asked if I was feeling suicidal. I said that I was having some suicidal thoughts, but I didn't feel at risk from them. I don't actually know how I feel about them, but there was no bloody way I was going to tell him that. He said that I knew if I was feeling suicidal then I would need to go to A&E to be assessed, but it sounded like maybe I didn't need to do that right at the moment? I agreed that I didn't need to do that at the moment. I was actually silently laughing by that point - it was just all so bloody ridiculous. I felt like I had been transported back in time a year and was stuck with that fuckwit as my care coordinator again. Except this time I had learnt to be sensible and not tell him the truth, because he is too incompetent to handle the truth. Shame I didn't realise that when he was my care coordinator. He then patronisingly asked if it would help if he told me that they were hoping that L would be back next week? I said I was already aware of that actually, as I had been sent a letter giving me an appointment with her. He said hopefully she would be back and that would make me feel better. I agreed. He said L had said I was doing a play or something, and was I excited about that? I said no, not at the moment. He said maybe I would be when it got closer. I said something non committal. He said he would tell her I had called when she was back, and what would I like him to tell her the reason I had called was? I thought that was something that he could work out for himself really, so I just said I would talk to her about it when I saw her. Speaking to him just made me so stressed and anxious and pissed off. Within about 30 seconds of picking up the phone I wanted to shoot either him or myself.

I probably sound like an ungrateful brat. I can't convey in writing how much I dislike this man, and what a useless twat he was when he was my care coordinator. I am also immensely pissed off that it was him who called me. I can't help feeling like he did it out of spite. He knows that I am not comfortable talking to him, because I told him so (politely) several times when he was my care coordinator. It also quite clearly says in my care plan (that I can't currently find) that when L is away I should be able to speak to a female whenever possible. Now whilst I am willing to accept that there probably are times when there is only a male available, for example if you call at 4:45 you have to accept whoever is around, I kind of doubt that at 2:45 there wasn't going to be a female available all afternoon for me to speak to. I was told it would be over an hour before I would be called back, but they weren't sure who it would be, which would certainly imply that the fuckwit who did call me back was not the only person in the office likely to be available that afternoon. I feel like he probably saw I had called and said he would call me back as he knows me, despite knowing that a) I prefer to speak to women, and b) I am uncomfortable with him. Whilst that may sound a little paranoid, it just seems unlikely that he was the only person in the whole office who was free this afternoon, and if there were other people available then I don't know why he would ring when he knows how I feel about him.

I am never calling the CMHT when L is off again. That has put me off for good.

Dr O rung about minutes after I had got off the phone to the moron. She is so bloody perky all the time, it is just strange! I answered the phone and got (imagine the chirpiest voice you can) 'Hellooo, it's mee!' I couldn't help laughing. She asked what I was calling for, and I asked if I could have some sleeping tablets please. She said she thought that was what I would be calling for, and why did I want them. I said I was feeling shit and she asked why, and I said that I didn't know, but I was just feeling really crap, and when I feel crap I sleep worse, and then that makes me feel even more crap. She said yes that was fine, and that I knew I could only have them alternate nights short term. I said I would rather have them every night short term to try and get into a better pattern, and she said that was fine, and she would send a script down to the chemist for me. The whole conversation was over in about a minute and a half! Normally if I feel bad and am asking for medication though she asks a lot more questions and checks I am not going to overdose on them and how suicidal I am feeling etc, and just generally asks me a lot more before agreeing to give me anything, but I expect she was in a rush, and it is fine because I got what I wanted from it, and I don't intend to overdose on them - I just want some good sleep. From tomorrow I will have some Zopiclone, and then hopefully I will get some good sleep and not wake up feeling so exhausted. I have to say I am not holding out great hopes, as I took Zopiclone for so many years that I became pretty immune to it, but it is a few months since I last had it, and that was only for a couple of weeks, and it must be about 9 months since I had it regularly, so maybe it will help a bit more now. It has to be worth a try. Anything is right now.