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Friday 21 January 2011

This isn't living

I don't know what to say. I feel awful. My sleep last night was as bad as ever. I woke up to a text from the director of the show saying she wanted to rehearse Sunday afternoon again, which immediately filled me with dread. I hate feeling like this about the one thing I have always cared about more than anything. I perform because I love it, because I am passionate about it, because it is the only thing I have ever wanted to do. And yet I have the lead part in a brilliant show, and I actually dread going to rehearsals, and spend the entire time desperately wishing I could go home.

I feel like I have reached a point where I just can't keep going on like this. It is too hard, and I need a reason other than other people to get me through, and there just isn't one. I sometimes wish that I didn't care about other people's feelings as much as I do. I feel like it constantly means that I am left feeling like shit, and like my feelings don't matter, because I don't want to hurt people, or because people make comments about suicide being selfish etc. But how do you weigh up the pain of one person against the pain of another? The people saying suicide is selfish aren't the ones who have to live with these feelings of complete desperation every single day. I feel like to get through this I really need a lot more help than I have at the moment, but I also know that isn't going to happen. I also have severe doubts as to whether anything would actually help. I feel like I am past the point where having a little chat about how shit I feel will change anything, and certainly having a bath or going for a walk or any of the other patronising bollocks that mental health professionals are so fond of suggesting will not make a scrap of difference. Having said that, I did try to call L yesterday, as I mentioned, and I also sent her an email during the night last night asking if she could call me today, but she didn't. Maybe she wasn't in work, or maybe she didn't have time, or maybe she just didn't want to listen to me whine about how shitty I feel, which would be entirely understandable. As I said, I don't actually think it would help anyway - I just always feel an obligation to at least mention to a professional if I am feeling seriously suicidal, so that I feel like I have made an effort. Of course I know they will do nothing about it, but there is nothing I can do about that. I don't know. On the one hand I feel like I really need support to get through this, but short of locking me up nothing would stop me if I decided to do sosmething, therefore it is pointless to even attempt to get help, and on the other hand, I don't even know if I want to get through it. I feel like I have had enough. This has been going on for too long, and I have had enough of feeling this terrible all of the time. And now things are at a point where I just absolutely do not want to see anyone or go anywhere, and I would do virtually anything to get out of doing the only thing I have ever cared about. This isn't living. It may be surviving, but it isn't living, and what is the point of surviving when you have no quality of life?

16 comments:

  1. Oh honey - I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I wish there was something I could do for you. Please know that you have to hang on because there are people in this world that you have yet to meet who need you in their lives.

    Try to hang on - you are too awesome of a person to be in this much pain - you need and deserve help

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  2. I have a question. You've talked about how you don't want to go to rehearsals, and I totally get that. But I was wondering how you feel when you are actually performing.
    I know the part about being so sensitive and how others don't seem to care which leads to more hurt. I am like that.
    I don't have any issues in common with you but I just wanted to send some loving thoughts your way. I have often wished to BE dead because I get so depressed and hurt and lonely. I also know the joy of Heaven awaits me. But I believe it's God's choice as to when, where and how.

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  3. I agree with you about the "suicide is selfish" comments. I feel like it's selfish of THEM to think that their pain overrides ours. That being said, I don't want you to hurt yourself and I am NOT encouraging you to do so. Just wanted to make that clear.

    You say you have doubts about whether anything would help-- doubts are not certainty. The fact that you're not sure, even if you're leaning in a certain direction, is reason to hang on. I mean, what if life could be awesome?

    (((Bippidee)))

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  4. Thank you for the replies. It does mean a lot when people take the time to comment.

    Emily, even if I do need and/or deserve help, the trouble is it just isn't available.

    Middle Child, when I am depressed I feel exactly the same when I am rehearsing or performing as I do the rest of the time. I can't concentrate and I just want to get out of there and get home, and my thoughts are just of suicide. I try and keep doing it because I know that before I got depressed, and even since in better periods, that is what I am passionate about, but when I feel like this I just don't care - I just don't want to exist.

    NOS, I was perhaps a little unclear. I suppose essentially what I am saying is similar to what I said a couple of posts ago - there possibly would be things out there that would help, but they are not options, and it is very unlikely they ever will be. The things that are options I have been trying for over 7 years and they haven't helped, so they aren't going to start helping now. And to be honest, when things feel this bad, it feels like life could never be good enough to make all this shit worthwhile. Even if I knew that this time next year I would feel better I don't think I would want to carry on, because the pain is so much now, and feeling better is far from a certainty, because as I said, nothing has changed so far, and since I have no different options for treatment or anything I see no reason why they would. I have just had enough, it is so exhausting.

    xxx

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  5. I can't say I understnd completely bc in all honesty I don't. Every situation is different...

    and all I can say- nothing is every hopeless....

    hang in there

    <3

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  6. Totally, completely agree with you on the 'suicide is selfish' position (I wrote a post on the issue a few months ago, if you remember), but am just so sorry that it feels like the only viable option for you. I wish I could somehow change that and take away this agony.

    Sending love, strength and hugs, for what they are worth. <3 xxx

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  7. *Hugs* You are so lovely, I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I wish there was something I could do to help.

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  8. (((Bippie))),

    If there exists things "out there" that are options, even if they don't seem to be available to you for some unknown reason, please try to find a way. If its a matter of money, I'm sure your parents will find a way... Talk to them. Let them into your world. Talk to L. Talk to anyone you can, who might possibly be able to help. I don't want to hear that its impossible. If help exists, somewhere, then its not impossible. It was supposed to be "impossible" to send my son to a private therapeutic boarding school out of state-- fully funded by our school board to the tune of $115,000 a year, but it was the ONLY (reasonable) option and I found a way. Of course, I wasn't suicidal(homicidal-- yes). and I'm 54. I am not saying that you aren't trying hard enough, just to say-- don't give up, but seek out as much help as you can. You can't go this alone.

    If there is help available for other people, then somehow, it is there for you too.

    Love,

    L

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  9. Bip,

    I would just be echoing what previous comments have said... have only just caught up with blogs..

    I'd still try and go to rehearsals as much as you arent enjoying them at the moment... Depresion is like a circle:

    You are depressed, so you become demotivated and tired... so yoo become less active and dont enjoy things... so you become depressed... and so on.

    Any imbalance in this cycle causes increased depression, so it is important you try to carry on with your usual activities, even if it seems really pointless!

    I hope youy strength and courage continue to get you through this...
    xxx

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  10. Hi, I just found your blog and I wanted to comment because this is exactly how I feel. And it seems the mental health system in the UK is no differen than here in USA. My own therapist has told me if I really wanted to kill myself that no one could stop me. The thing is, I guess, I want someone to stop me but no one knows how and that just leads to more depression and more suicidal feelings. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone feeling this way. I totally do understand.

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  11. Thank you all so much for the support. I really do appreciate it.

    Lexie - the things "out there" that exist but aren't options to me really aren't, for the reasons I talked about a few posts ago. It is a) a postcode lottery, and b) depends on how expensive you are to services currently that determines whether they will fund expensive out of area treatment. I cost very little, and live in a very poor trust, therefore there is no chance of me getting funding, and my parents could never afford it - they struggle to get by as it is. My parents know what treatment I think would be most likely to help, but it is not an option, so there is no point in thinking about it - it is better to just pretend it doesn't exist.

    Part of Being Sane - I understand the Depression cycle, which is why I do try to keep going to things even when I don't feel like it. But at the moment it actually feels like it is making me worse.

    Addison, welcome to my blog, and sorry the first post you read was so depressing! I replied to you on your blog.

    xxx

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  12. Bip,

    Please give your parents a chance to tell you that it is not an option. I promise you, it IS an option. We are also struggling, but I would move heaven and earth and go into great debt, to help my child if they were in your position and I'm sure that your parents would too. My neighbor just declared bankruptcy to fund her daughter's psychiatric hospitalization. Money is not a factor.

    If you can get the treatment that you need, eventually, you will be able to work, at least part-time and can pay your parents back, if you are still living there, or at least not cost them more money, if you are well enough to leave. It may not feel like that's possible, but I assure you that it is. Its not now, but you have to take the leap of faith.

    Wellness is possible. It is. You have to open up your mind to exploring any and ALL options. There is not such thing as its "not an option."

    Don't you see? Its the big picture here. There IS help available, and money is not part of the equation. Let your parents in. Let them help you.

    Love,

    L

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  13. I think people have a different attitude to money in this country to the US. I have discussed treatment with my parents in the past. They know about it. They know that is what I would want to do with my money if I won the lottery. They know. But they couldn't afford to fund it, and I don't think they would even consider going into debt to do so. For a start, I am not the only child - I am one of 4, and it would not be fair on the others for them to spend all their money on me. I also couldn't justify them going into debt for something I don't know would help. Sure, it might, but it might not, and then where would we be? Also, I think people just don't do that - I know a lot of ill people, and I don't know anyone whose parents have paid for private treatment, apart from one girl who comes from a very well off family who could afford to do so. My parents are having to live off previous savings as it is - they don't have nearly as much income as outgoings, and they don't live extravagently. There is no way they are in a position to pay, and I wouldn't expect them to. They wouldn't even be able to afford to support me through college if I am ever able to go - they certainly couldn't afford £100,000 for treatment that may or may not help. It just is not an option. x

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  14. What would you do if it was your child? xo

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