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Thursday, 30 December 2010

Shit

I am still struggling enormously. I am completely terrified by how close New Year is. I want so much not to be alive by then, but I know that realistically I am not going to get an opportunity to act on it before then, and I don't know how to cope with that. I want to be dead now. Not in a few weeks or months or years. Tomorrow my aunt, who has been over from the US for Christmas, is coming over, which means I can't do anything tomorrow, and couldn't do anything tonight. And then it is New Year's Eve. At the moment I am coping by taking Diazepam when things feel too much, and am generally just a bit of a mess. I think the only way of getting through New Year's Eve will be taking a lot of Diazepam, and anything else that might help, and just sleeping through it, but even that isn't really a solution because I will have to wake up the next day. I want to die so much. I really just can't express how hideous this feels. And it is just so bloody unrelenting. Ok, sometimes I get a few weeks when I feel crap but I am slightly more able to cope, and less suicidal, but things are always shit, and I seriously believe that suicidal is a completely logical decision for me - I feel like it has reached a point where the pain is just too much, and too unrelenting. I want out as soon as possible. I know that it is very unlikely to be before the New Year, but it will be as soon as is practical after that.

People say I have achieved things this year and that I should be proud of myself. But the point is, that none of the things I have done actually mean anything. They have no impact on my life, or how I feel. Sure, I have done things, but they don't mean anything. I still feel hideous and I still want to die. I don't want to wait and see what the future brings, or what opportunities there are in the New Year or anything else, because it doesn't matter. None of it matters. I am just desperate and I don't want to be here, and nothing can change that.

11 comments:

  1. babe- stay strong. please don't leave us. I know this isn't saying much but please know how much u mean to others...

    xoxo

    i wish i had something better to say...

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  2. Bippie,

    I'm sorry that you're not feeling well, but please keep telling yourself that suicide is not an option. you are in control. and your life is very precious.

    If those things don't mean anything then why are you doing them?

    Even if they don't mean anything to you (and I think that they do, because in other posts you have indicated such);), please remember this--

    In every performance that you do...

    Someone will have seen their first performance and there life will be forever changed.

    Someone will have seen their last performance, and their last memory will be of a beautiful songbird that had enchanted them.

    xo ~ L

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  3. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are too important to lose and I hope that you reconsider that final act. I hope you can pull through this and get some help in the new year. I hope you can stay safe. Be gentle with yourself.
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  4. Life can seem so bleak at times especially this time of year. Other people telling you that you have achieved so much can mean nothing when you are felling so bad. If you can take the time to sit down and write down all your achievements big and small, there are probably many more than you realise or remember. Take care of yourself and don't give in to your thoughts. You mean so much to people who read your blog and don't know you personally and that too is an achievement. Hugs xx

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  5. Totally agree with lexie (again) she summed up what i am thinking. Your life IS precious and you DESERVE to be happy. And those performances etc DID mean something because i read all the posts about them and they made you feel so blessed to be apart of them. Please please keep fighting, i know you are utterly sick of fighting, i really do but you mean TOO MUCH to a hell of alot of people to lose and we all want you to get better!!!!!

    You know where i am! I am trying to see if i can get internet access at the place i am gonna be new years eve so i can be around to talk to you if you are around altho i do think diazapam will be a good idea for you!

    I love you! Please please please hang in there! I really want you to get better and experience the goodness that life can bring and i truley believe that the therapy you are going for might help with that Please dont give up!!!

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  6. Bip- People can say "I know how you feel" or "stay with us" and things like that, but the truth is, it's all up to you. Nobody knows how you really feel. I know that. You know that. I'm in a pretty bad place myself, but do I "know how you feel"? No... because I'm not you. All anybody can do is offer you support, let you know that we are there for you and remind you how much you would be missed if you would act upon your thoughts. Yes, I said your THOUGHTS and your FEELINGS. That's what those are, honey! Thoughts and feelings do go away. It sucks when they take FOR FREAKING EVER to go away. I don't have patience for them to go away, but i see all the people who support me and I see all the people who support you and I can tell that YOU ARE LOVED SO MUCH. The decision is ultimately yours. Nobody can make it for you. A whole bunch of us wish we could. Remember though, THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS GO AWAY...IT'S JUST A MATTER OF WHEN. TRY TO BE PATIENT AND I WILL DO THE SAME. I have a blog also. if you are interested, let me know....we can support each other through this.

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  7. Keep taking the Diazepam (in small quantities!) - it should be able to keep you going over the next 48 hours if you have enough. Ditto Zopiclone. I know you don't believe you've achieved anything (you've done far better than anything I've done, but still), but please believe that you genuinely have very much value to your friends and readers in the blogosophere (if you don't believe me, go and read Mental Nurse!).

    I know it sucks, but if you can somehow get through the next three or four days, everything will be back to how it was again. Please try and hang in there, Bip.

    Thinking of you hun <3 xxx

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  8. I felt similarly over Christmas (and incidentally Xanax helped considerably). Try to take it easy. You're strong and I have faith that you can get through this. *hugs*

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  9. I'm so sorry to read you're feeling so bad. You will get through it.

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  10. Oh honey. You are so valuable. If there's anything I can do, shout. I can keep you company while I study, the distraction will be good for me.

    xxx

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  11. Ahh bippidee, I wish I could hug ya, and I don't do phyical contact very often.
    This is bullshit, it's been going on sooo long for ya, and I wish thing improve and quick.
    Like Pan says just keep on with the coping mechanisms (diazepam / zopiclone etc) which is what I'm doing.
    I just aim for level of relaxation if not sleep ideally to get through evening! Soon this extended hoiday will be over and we can get back to a routine.
    Take care x

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