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Friday, 10 December 2010
It hasn't been a great day, and I am absolutely exhausted, so I am going to leave Childhood Part 3 until tomorrow. There is nothing major wrong - I have been been incredibly tired all day, and my weight was up which made me feel like shit, and then I have eaten far more today than I feel comfortable with, and so I know it will be up again tomorrow, and I am just angry with myself and frustrated. It was the Christmas Bazaar at the school where my mum works, and sometimes I manage to pick up a couple of Christmas presents there, and since I've still not done any shopping I thought I had better go down, so I did, but I then ended up eating shit loads of cake - I had one little fairy cake, then my mum bought me a chocolate cupcake, then it was the end and they had cake left over so they were just giving pieces away free and so we both had a little piece of a Thorntons chocolate/toffee cake each, and by that time I was feeling incredibly sick and desperately wanted to purge, but obviously couldn't. And I didn't even manage to get any bloody Christmas presents there, so it was a complete bloody waste of time and just made me feel crap about myself. And then soon after that we went off to the Christmas late night shopping in the local town - my mum was taking my nephew to look around the stuff on the street - rides and street entertainers etc, and I wanted to go in the craft fair (again, to try and get Christmas presents - can you smell the desperation??). I bought a couple of little bits, but nothing major, and then went to find my mum and nephew, and we ended up having a mince pie each as someone was standing giving them away. I am not even that keen on bloody mince pies - they don't particularly interest me, so I don't know why I did that. And then we came home and I had my dinner - a bowl of fruit, and a slice of bread and peanut butter, and yet another bloody little cupcake (they made us take a few home when they had them left over at the end). So I have eaten an absurd quantity of cake today - 3 cupcakes, a small slice of toffe cake, and a mince pie, and then a bowl of fruit, and a slice of bread and peanut butter. I feel hideous and absolutely disgusted with myself. After my weight going up anyway, and feeling so shit about myself because of it, I just can't believe the way I have eaten today. I am just really hating myself right now. And I am blacming Christmas. And scared because the next few weeks are just going to be hellish in so many ways. I am feeling pretty crappy about everything, and I am absolutely exhausted, so I am going to try and get an early night. I just hope I don't wake up in an hour or two because my body thinks I am just having a little nap.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.