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Monday, 27 December 2010

Christmas and New Year

Christmas Day was actually ok. It was pretty quiet, as it was just me and my parents for most of the day. It was actually nice to just be relaxed and for it to be quiet, rather than busy and noisy with lots of people - it felt easier to cope with. Food was difficult, but then I think that food will always be difficult for me, and particularly at the moment, when food plays such a central part in trying to control my mood. I didn't eat an obscene amount I don't think - it is just far more than I am used to eating, and when there is constantly food out then it can be difficult to deal with. Plus alcohol calories always bother me. But it was quiet and relaxed, although in retrospect I am not really sure what we did with ourselves. Then at about 6 one of my sister's friends came over for the evening - he is single and had his children with him until 4, and then they had gone to their mums so he came to us, and we played Jenga and cards in the evening/night. I wasn't excited or enthusiastic about it being Christmas, but I got through it, and it was fine and not too stressful.

Today was more difficult. Both of my brothers came over with their families, so there were 8 people in the house, plus me and my parents, so it was much busier and louder, and I just found it a bit much really. I went down for a while and then just found it all too much, so came upstairs for a while to spend some time on my own and then went down again. It wasn't that they were doing anything wrong - I just wasn't feeling very good, and I didn't have the energy to put on my happy face or sit and make small talk. My parents are going to visit my brother tomorrow, but I have decided to stay here for a couple of reasons - firstly I don't see a need to see them again when we saw them today, it seems pointless, but really I just can't face another day with a lot of people - all of his wife's family will be there tomorrow as well, and I just don't want to have to see lots of people, and it is much harder to escape when you aren't in your own home, so I will stay here with the dog.

I am feeling really quite awful. I wasn't feeling great yesterday, but I put on a happy face, and because it was all pretty quiet and laid back I got through it alright. Today was a lot more difficult, but I was trying to hold up but it was like a big wave of desperation and hopelessness came and hit me this evening, after not feeling good all day. I don't really know why - I just know I feel really awful and nearly burst into tears in front of my parents for absolutely no reason, which is so unlike me. I even said that I felt really crappy, which I very rarely do. I just didn't want them to think I was just being grumpy or ungrateful or anything. I suppose that although I haven't been consciously thinking about it, I am very stressed about New Year. I do not want to be alive by then, it feels like more than I can deal with, and I don't see the point, and the speed with which it is approaching is really quite terrifying, particularly now that Christmas is over. Not having anyone I can contact to talk to doesn't help, but then I don't think talking would make any difference - I have felt for months like I didn't want to live to see 2011, and I still feel like that - telling someone that I feel like that won't change anything, so maybe it doesn't matter anyway. I just feel really horrible.

5 comments:

  1. I'm glad you got through Christmas okay. I know how hard it can be to be around people for extended periods of time when you're not feeling great.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so badly today. It sounds like that wave of hopelessness was really powerful. But you are powerful too. You have lived all year long even though at times you weren't sure you would. You are strong, Bippidee. I know you can make it.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  2. I'm sorry you had such a hard time over the last few days and I hope that your mood lifts even a little soon. I am so sorry too that you are struggling so much with depression. You know what, I think it would be a sad world without you in it and I really hope you can hang, even if it's just by the skin of your teeth. Be kind to yourself because you are important and also be gentle.
    *hugs*
    Sarah

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  3. sorry you are having such a hard time :/ things will get better eventually, they always do!

    Happy late holidays

    Dana xo

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  4. I really hope you feel better soon. *hugs* I know this time of the year can be particularly difficult. Personally, I've been having a horrible time myself. I guess we can just be glad that Christmas is over and done with. Let's try and look forward to a better year in 2011! Sending you lots of positive thoughts! *hugs*

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  5. Hey Bip! I haven't heard from you lately! Been worried about you...now I see why! Everyone has times when we are down...I know I do. I would say I've been where you are now, but nobody can say that they "know how you feel" b/c we really don't know how you feel, but like I said, I've been pretty down before. However, there is always a time when we start feeling better. It's like a freaking rollercoaster. It sucks, but the important thing is that you have a ton of friends who are willing to go on the ride with you and want to go on this ride with you. PLEASE, remember that there are people who DO CARE and WHO ARE HERE FOR YOU TO TALK TO. YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS. YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE, WHO LOVE YOU, WHO WORRY ABOUT YOU. Plus, for all you know, 2011 may be your best year yet! Why give up that chance to find out? I know it's a cliche, but tomorrow's another day. Another one...Good things come to those who wait. So...wait...hold on...talk to those people who care, and you know who I'm talking about. I'm sending you a link of a song I would like for you to listen to, just as a reminder that you are loved. Please, remember that we are here to talk to you. I'll keep an eye out for you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU Please, listen to the song I just added the link to. xoxo

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