Today was worse than yesterday, but it wasn't horrific. I slept until a ridiculous time - I didn't only sleep the morning, I slept half of the afternoon as well. I could hear my brother and his wife here when I woke up, but I didn't go downstairs. Partly because I couldn't really be bothered, and partly because they are all ill, and the last thing I need right now is a cold or sore throat. I went and had a shower and washed my hair, and popped downstairs very briefly to grab a diet coke - wanted to stay down there as it was much warmer than my bedroom, but I didn't want their germs, and came back upstairs. I was finding it harder to concentrate on things today, so it was harder to distract myself from the thoughts, but my head was quieter than it had been last week, so it was primarily about trying to distract myself from thoughts, rather than noise as well, which is easier. I am not really sure what I did. I watched a bit of crap TV. Apart from that I don't really know. After my brother and family had left I went downstairs because it was warmer, and watched X Factor. And since then I don't really know what I have been doing. I think my mind is drifting quite a lot. Dissociating I suppose.
Tomorrow is ridiculously busy. Nothing in the day - the day time is fine. Which is lucky as I will need to sleep a reasonable amount of it. But then I have to leave for ballet about 5. I then have ballet from 5:45 - 6:45. At 7 I have a band call for the concert I am doing on Sunday. As soon as I can get away from that, I have to go to a rehearsal for the show I am doing, which starts at 7:30, but I will get there later than that because of the band call. That then goes on until 10, and I will get home about half 10, maybe a bit later. It is all a bit hectic, and I don't know when I am going to get a chance to warm up, because of being in ballet immediately before having to go and sing. I suppose I will have to warm up (vocally) before ballet and then do a quick 5 minute top up on my way from ballet to the band call. It is rather unfortunately they are all so on top of each other, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I am trying really hard to stop myself from focusing on the negatives and the suicidal thoughts, and to just blank them the best that I can. November is nearly over, and although it sounds odd, that makes it slightly easier to shut out the suicidal thoughts. As I have said before, one of my 'rules' around suicide is that it can't be in the lead up to something big like Christmas/someone's Birthday, because although whenever you kill yourself it will be hard for people, I always think it must be particularly hard if it is at a time when there is an expectation of being happy. So basically I need to stop considering suicide an option until after Christmas. Which is far, far easier said than done, and I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try. It is particularly hard because Christmas and New Year are such difficult times for me, and there is nothing I would like more than not to have to go through them. But I think Christmas must be about the worst time of the year to lose someone. Everyone is happy (or pretending to be) and excited, and there is just a buzz around, and there is just this expectation that everyone will enjoy themselves, and have a good time, and having that as an anniversary of someone dying must be really tough. I am actually more worried about Christmas then New Year I think. Christmas is hard because of all the food and all the people, and the pressure to be happy, but New Year is far worse, because it reminds me of everything that I haven't achieved, and what a failure I am, and how I have let yet another year pass by without accomplishing anything, and that really does make me feel intensely suicidal. I have refused to celebrate New Year for years now - I see nothing to celebrate, and it is always an incredibly difficult night, where I end up crying hysterically, and desperately wanting to die. Even thinking about it makes me feel really suicidal. I still wish that I had killed myself last week so that I didn't have to face Christmas or New Year. Or life generally.
I am unsure about the best way of getting through this. I don't know if I need to try and get myself excited about Christmas (tough to do) and just throw myself into it and just turn into Little Miss Festive (yeah.... even saying that makes me think the chances of that are slim to none) or find some other way of getting by. And I still have to get my Christmas shopping done, and write my cards, and all of the other things that are synonymous with Christmas. I am slightly unsure what will be happening about Christmas, given that my sister isn't speaking to me, and we usually spend time with her. I am slightly concerned that will end up being a big problem that will upset my mum, and that I will end up being blamed for, which will make me feel terrible etc, but I am not sure what I can do about it. I am still not going to apologise, as I still don't think I did anything wrong in not wanting to look after my nephew every Thursday, having done it for half a term. But it is a slightly awkward situation. Thinking about things like this make me think again how much better off my family would be without me. How much simpler things would be for them. And thinking about that seems like more justification that suicide is the right thing to do, despite the time of year. The sad thing is, I don't think my sister would even care at the moment. I wish making the suicidal thoughts go away was as simple as deciding not to have them, or not to consider acting on them an option, like I am trying to, but there is so much more to it than that. The thoughts don't go just because I want them to, or try to make them. They are there, and they are strong. Even if they aren't supposed to be because of the time of year. They don't take any notice of the time of year - it means nothing to them. And in some ways, Christmas and New Year make them more intense. I wish there was an answer of how to get through this - how to cope, but there isn't. I just have to try and get by. And either I make it or I don't.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago