It really hasn't been a good day. After the debacle earlier, I just laid in my bed in the dark crying for ages. I was really upset. Then my parents got home from the fireworks they had been to, and my mum came upstairs and asked if I was going to go downstairs. I said that I was too upset by what she had said to be around her at the moment, and got a lecture from her on how I upset other people, and she then said I shouldn't always try and punish people - apparently me crying was my way of trying to punish her for what she had said. I suppose me being genuinely upset didn't cross her mind as of course everything I do is for effect. So things have been pretty tense tonight. She has seemed to switch between pretending nothing happened, and blaming me for it. I am still feeling incredibly hurt and upset and invalidated.
I am not going out for lunch with my friend tomorrow. I was feeling so stressed about it, and so I tried to think of a compromise, and decided that dinner would be a little easier, as I could then just not eat until then, and so although I would still be having more than I usually would in a day, hopefully I wouldn't have too much more. So I texted and asked if she fancied going for dinner instead as I am not usually very hungry at lunch time (which is true - even when I am eating 'normally' I find it difficult to eat my main meal at lunch, as I am just not very hungry then). She texted back saying that she couldn't do the evening, but we could go out for dinner some other evening if I would prefer that to lunch. I said I didn't mind, and said I was free thursday, friday and saturday evenings if she wanted to do that. She said she didn't have any free evenings in the next week, but it seemed like I would prefer to do an evening so should we do that? I said maybe she could come over for a while in the afternoon tomorrow to catch up, and then we could go out for a meal one evening sometime soon (safe in the knowledge it won't be too soon....). I feel like a bit of a bitch and a useless friend for changing plans like that, but I was just so stressed about it. And I will still be seeing her, so it isn't like I cancelled totally I guess. I just couldn't cope with eating out when I am feeling this vulnerable. I don't even want to leave the house, but I don't have a choice with that.
I really need to try and sleep as I need to be up in 7 hours, but I am not sleepy. I have a concert rehearsal from 11 until 12, then my friend is going to come over at about 1. I would really like to just stay in bed all day and not see or speak to anyone, but unfortunately that isn't an option. I feel so shit.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago