I am feeling so flat. I have completely lost my fight, I think more than ever before. I think it is because although it has been years since I have wanted to live for myself, I have always tried to keep going for other people, primarily my parents. I have always had vague feelings they might be better off without me, but everything that has happened over the last week has convinced me of it, and so now I really do have nothing and nobody that I feel like I need to fight for. In a way that feels quite liberating actually, because it takes away some of the guilt and makes it easier basically. I can just do what I want, and what I have wanted for years. I can’t keep going like this. I just feel like everything that makes me who I am has just been sucked out of me and I am just this empty shell, and I just feel so completely flat and drained and lifeless. I don’t know what would help, because I can’t imagine anything helping at the moment. Or really ever come to that. I think I am just broken into too many pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty. I just feel utterly hopeless, in the true sense of the word. According to an online dictionary ‘hopeless’ means;
1. Having no hope; despairing.
2. Offering no hope; bleak.
4. Having no possibility of solution; impossible
All of those definitions feel like they apply right now. I can’t carry on like this, and nothing could ever possibly be good enough to outweigh how awful I feel now, and have been for so long. And even if it could, I am too exhausted to carry on like this now. But I actually don’t think that anything in life would make living feeling like this worthwhile. I just want to stop.
L is phoning later. I feel like I don't deserve all the support I get from her. I have had a couple of people ask me how much she knows. She knows everything. She sees pretty much everything that is written here, and sometimes things I write that don't end up on here, plus whatever I tell her when I talk to her. So she does know how I am feeling and what is going on, so I do have support with it, and obviously if she feels that anything needs to be done then she can do that, for eg she has phoned me yesterday and today, and is again tomorrow (technically today since it is nearly 5am). And I am seeing her Monday. So please don't worry that nobody outside of my blog knows how I am feeling, because they do. Or rather she does.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago