Today hasn't actually been a completely horrific day! Which is particularly bizarre given that my period started this morning. Obviously I am still feeling shitty, but today has felt noticeably easier to get through than other days recently. I think there are a few reasons for it - I think that starting to sort things out with L via email yesterday has helped. I am no longer feeling like it is an irreparable relationship in the way that I was a few days ago, and that is an enormous relief, because when I was feeling like that it made me feel even more hopeless as I felt like I had lost the only person I really trusted to talk to, and therefore I was completely on my own, whereas now, although we still need to talk things through when I see her, I don't feel like it is a hopeless situation and so I am feeling less alone. Obviously it will take some time and some talking things through, and trying to make sure this situation doesn't occur again, but I am not feeling like the only person I could rely on has disappeared for good now, and that is more of a relief than I think I can express.
Also, today has been pretty relaxed. Admittedly the majority of my days are pretty relaxed in that I don't have to go out and do things that often, but today there was absolutely nowhere I needed to go, or anyone I needed to see, or anything I had to do, and I felt like I needed that. I slept all morning, having not got to sleep until too late, even by my standards, and then this afternoon Fly Away Home was on TV, so I watched that. I like nice, non taxing feel good films like that. And then when that finished I switched over and watched On The Town. And then I went downstairs and watched X Factor, followed by Sweeney Todd with my parents. I am not entirely sure what I have done in the 4 hours since Sweeney Todd finished..... But anyway, my head has been a bit quieter, which has just been a massive relief, and has allowed me to concentrate on things a little bit better, which has just made the day much easier to get through.
Unfortunately I am not expecting tomorrow to be as simple. My niece came to stay the night tonight, and so tomorrow my brother and family are all coming for dinner etc. I don't like it when there are lots of people around - I find it quite stressful. I also find food often goes dodgy when there are people here, as my mum tends to make dessert of some kind, or cake, which I then end up eating and feeling guilty about. I will probably spend most of the time they are here in my bedroom, because I am antisocial like that, but I will then get nagged for being anti social. There also unfortunately appears to be buggar all on TV tomorrow, which is a shame given the success of the TV today. I will have to try and find something else to occupy me. I am not at a point where I can read, or do anything else that involves much brain power, but hopefully my head will be quieter again and I will be able to find something to do. Please be quiet head.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago