Sunday, 21 November 2010

Long day

Today has been a difficult and tiring day. It didn't start off well because I slept badly last night. I was really desperate to have a night of sleeping well, so as well as the Diazepam I usually take to try and quieten my head, I also took a Zopiclone. I don't usually have Zopiclone. I had them pretty much every night for about 4 years, so got pretty immune to them, and my psych took me off them because obviously they are supposed to be short term drugs, but sometimes when I am having a lot of trouble sleeping my GP will give me 14, and I have a few from last time, so decided to take one. I thought it was making me sleepy, so I tried to sleep, but realised it actually hadn't so got back up. In the end I did go to sleep, but it was kind of weird - I usually sleep quite well after taking Zopiclone - it may not send me to sleep very well, but it usually stops me waking up. But I woke up several times, and one time I woke up in a real panic - I was hallucinating (I hope) that lots of spiders had bungeed down from the ceiling and were crawling all over me. I am not actually scared of spiders, but I woke up in a panic convinced these spiders were crawling on me and switched on my light and was looking for them, and I remember looking up at the ceiling where they had all been (they hadn't really, but I thought they had) and they had gone, so I thought they must be in my bed and in my pyjamas. And then I couldn't find them so I turned off my light and went back to sleep. It was really quite surreal, because it felt so real, and I don't normally have hallucinations. I am blaming the Zopiclone, but I don't know why it should suddenly do that when I have taken it so many hundreds of times with no problems. I don't take Zolpidem because that made me hear voices when I took it, but never experienced anything weird with Zopiclone before except going into a kind of dissociative period where I often do lots of things I don't remember after, and that's not too bad, except when I spend lots of money on crap. Anyway, I didn't get enough sleep, and it was quite interrupted, and so I woke up exhausted.

I had to go out the house today (cue scary music). I had to go shopping with my mum. I don't like shopping at the best of times, and currently is definitely not the best of times. But we had decided to go a couple of weeks ago as it was totally essential I got something to wear for the concert in 2 weeks (yes, the one I don't want to be alive for). Town was packed, I was exhausted, and I really dislike clothes shopping. I don't understand what is enjoyable about going into one shop, stripping off, trying on a couple of things that will probably look hideous, getting dressed again, going into another shop, repeat ad infinitum... Not fun. And looking in all of those mirrors just makes me feel shitty about myself. I did buy something, but don't know if it will be any good or not. Ended up just having a mini melt down in Debenhams. I had been in there first, and then lots of other shops, and then my mum decided I should go back to Debenhams and get one of the personal shoppers to help me find something, because Debenhams is so bloody confusing. So I went back in, whilst she went off to another shop, and I just freaked out. I was exhausted and stressed and I just couldn't cope and I felt like I was about to burst into tears and make a spectacle of myself, and just ended up perching on the edge of one of the display things on the floor trying not to cry. A sales assistant came over and asked if I was ok, and I obviously had no idea how to reply, so I think I said I wasn't feeling well, so she got a stool from the shoe area for me to sit on, and I waited for my mum arrived and then just begged to go home.

Then we got home, and the house was absolutely freezing, and it turned out we had run out of oil. That always happens on a weekend, without fail. So the house was freezing and that just felt like the last straw and I just came upstairs and cried. I then put on lots of warm clothes and went downstairs as my dad had said he would light the fire. Typically the fire refused to light despite multiple attempts. So the house is bloody freezing, I am always cold anyway as I have shit circulation, and goodness knows when we will get more oil.

I seem to have resorted to comfort eating over the last couple of days, which is making me feel even more shit about myself. I am not eating loads and loads, but I wasn't eating much at all really earlier in the week, and the last couple of days I have eaten more the amount I would usually eat and I feel shit about myself. Everything is wrong. Absolutely everything.

I have to go out yet again tomorrow, which I am dreading. I said months ago that I would go with T and his family to see something on in London. I didn't know when it was on anyway, and had pretty much forgotten about it completely, and then got a text from him a couple of days ago reminding me it was this Sunday, and asking if I wanted to go there for lunch first. Naturally I didn't want to go there for lunch - I hate eating at other people's houses, and I didn't even want to leave the house, but since his mum has bought the tickets there isn't much I can do about that. So I have said I will just go over there for when they are leaving. Dreading having to keep up my happy mask for hours like that. I do not want to go out at all. I feel really stressed by everything at the moment - leaving the house feels like torture. Even getting out of my bed takes far more energy than I have.

The suicidal thoughts are overwhelming. There is lots of planning going on my head that I feel unable to stop, and actually don't want to. This week has just been far, far too difficult, and there is no way I am putting up with another one like it. I have felt completely alone at the time I have most needed support, and every minute of every day has felt like agony. Nobody should have to live feeling like this.


  1. I really dislike shopping as well. Trying on clothes is miserable.

    You are correct, you should not have to feel like this. I hope that you feel better soon.

  2. *thousands of hugs*

    I know everything seems wrong right now, but can you think of ANYTHING at all that's not wrong? Becuase that might help a little bit.

    I'm not saying this to dismiss how bad you feel, but I just thought it might help. Just find one thing that is not wrong, even if it's just a funny youtube video, andit might help.

  3. Oh (((Bippi)))

    I also hate shopping and tend to run cold---(even in MEN o pause) and I hate being cold and I HATE winter and ALL OF THE FUCKING "HOLIDAYS"... BAH HUMBUG!!!

    I so wish you could see your psych doc. This just isn't right.

  4. Is there no way you can get to see a doctor to tell them that you're feeling like this? You are crying out for help and it's awful that no one is answering you.
    Have you tried counselling?

  5. Oh, I had the exact same experience when I OD'd and hallucinate that spiders were crawling all over me and my bed and that is how I got 'found' as apparently I started panicing and screaming and the neighbour called my ex. I can't describe how horribly frightening that was. So I totally understand how disturbing that dream/hallucination must have been.
    Your right, No one should have to feel that way. Wished I could do or say something to help.

  6. Hey. I'm Lisa. I just started reading your blog. I really respect that you put things out in the open. I understand a lot of what you're feeling. I'm there and I've been there. it all just SUCKS majorly but don't give up. YOu can do this. This will work out, things...do get better eventually. They do...

  7. Thank you all for the replies.

    Lisa, welcome to my blog - thank you for reading, and thank you for commenting. I appreciate it.

    I could possibly go and see my GP at some point in the week, but that is fairly pointless as whenever I speak to a GP about feeling bad they just contact the CMHT, which I suppose is fair enough given that I am under them. I wouldn't have any idea how to see my psych, and since she is so anti meds it would be pretty pointless.

    Livi, I have seen quite a few counsellors in the past but I have never found them much use - I have usually found the CMHT more helpful than counsellors. I think most counsellors just aren't really used to dealing with more severe problems, and so as soon as you talk about suicide etc they get very concerned and don't really know what to do. On the whole I have always felt like I have got better support from CPNs etc than I have counsellors, because I think they have more training and experience in seeing people with more complicated problems.