I am really freaking out. I just did my middle of the night weigh in, and I was a whole pound heavier than the same time last night. I honestly don't know how to deal with that. It sounds so ridiculous, because I know that really a pound is nothing, but it feel like an enormous amount. And actually, if I lose a pound I am very pleased, so I suppose I see it as a lot that way, and therefore gaining a pound also has to be seen as a lot. I was expecting my weight to be slightly higher today, as I probably ate a little more than I have been, and also, my weight was down 0.6 of a pound today from yesterday, when I had expected it to be about the same, or maybe down 0.2, so I did think that it might have gone up a little tomorrow, like maybe 0.4, and was bracing myself for that, but to see the number a whole pound higher than last night just really did make me panic. I just don't know what to do. I haven't been feeling good today anyway, and seeing that really did make me have strong suicidal thoughts. Which I suppose proves just how important losing weight has been lately in keeping me going. The ridiculous thing is, a week ago I would have been delighted to see the number I just saw in one of my middle of the night weigh ins, and now it devastates me. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it really isn't.
I do feel like this last week has been really tough. My mood has been getting lower and lower, and the suicidal thoughts have been increasing in intensity. Then the argument with my mum on Saturday hurt me enormously, and left me feeling very confused, and also like there was less to stop me from killing myself. I really have been desperately clinging on to my weight going down as something positive in my life that I could try and focus on and pour all of my energies into, to try and stop me thinking about suicide all the time, and to prove to myself that I wasn't useless, and that I was suceeding at something. And now suddenly that has gone, and I am not quite sure where that leaves me. I feel like a failure for a start. And greedy and disgusting and useless. And I hate myself. I am really starting to feel quite strongly again that I just can't cope. That I need to kill myself, and that actually suicide is the right option. I just don't want to be here at all, and whilst I do always feel like that, the feelings are far more intense at the moment and I just don't know if I can get through them, or if I want to.
Ironically I actually had quite a good appointment with L today. True to form I can only remember little snippets of what was said, but I did feel like she understood my point of view regarding the things I have been writing about this week. I think she often feels very restricted and frustrated by the system and the way it works. We somehow got onto the topic of Therapeutic Communities, and how helpful the good ones could be, but how it is virtually impossible to get funding, unless you are currently costing the NHS a fortune, as in lots of admissions to acute wards etc etc, and how someone like me, who just sees her weekly, would have next to no chance of getting funding. She said how unfair it is, and that I have worked very hard and am very good at not acting on my impulses all the time, but that doesn't mean I am any less ill or am struggling any less than people who do continually self harm or overdose. Although that was possibly just her validating my feelings after what I wrote yesterday! But no, I do genuinely believe that she thinks that and understands how difficult it is for me, and I do frequently get the impression she is very frustrated by the confines within which she has to work. She also said to think about services etc that aren't available, as she has started to include service deficits on peoples care plans (I think much to the annoyance of her manager!). Not that it will change anything, but I do really like that she doesn't just accept things as they are, and does try and fight negative attitudes and problems with the system etc - whether it makes any difference or not is kind of irrelevant, I just think it is important that there are people out there working within mental health who are prepared to challenge the system and not just sit back and accept that things are shit. The more people who stand up and do that the better.
It is kind of scary how quickly my mood has dropped. I suppose that is what happens when you invest everything in one thing, in my case my weight, and then that goes wrong. I was feeling very low this afternoon, but nothing like to the extent that I am now. It is like I was at the bottom of a pit, and then suddenly the bottom dropped out and I fell even further. I honestly don't know what to do. My suicidal thoughts had already started to reach the planning stage in that I was thinking in terms of days and times etc, but it feels that much more urgent now. If I get through tomorrow and Thursday then I will be ok until the end of the weekend, as there would be a lack of opportunity anyway Friday/Saturday/Sunday. And I think I can do that. I just don't want to. I think I will try and call L tomorrow. Maybe that will help to calm me down a little. I don't know what else to do.
10 hours ago