I am so tired. I have been sleeping really badly for ages now and it is really getting to me. I look terrible and I just feel so exhausted - physically and emotionally. I wish I had some energy. Although I think being so exhausted is mostly what has kept me alive the last couple of days. I just don't have enough energy to act on my thoughts in the way I want to. Of course that doesn't make me feel any less desperate, or the thoughts any less overwhelming. I really just want out.
I don't like to say it, but I am feeling pretty unsupported at the moment. I don't like saying that because L has always been really supportive, but right now I am just feeling so alone and like I have just been left to get through this on my own. One of the reasons I was given for her not thinking the crisis team would help was 'whilst I can see that you’re very distressed I’m not sure that a daily phone call will make any difference as, at the end of the day, I can do that.' She has a point with that, as although in theory the crisis team do visits, and I suspect would have at least visited the first time to assess me, ours apparently mostly just phone people now. So I did kind of get that. But I haven't had daily phone calls from her. The last time I spoke to her was on Tuesday, when I rung and asked to speak to her and then was rung back 4 and a half hours later and spoke to her for less than 10 minutes, and ended up feeling worse. Then yesterday there was the email that made me feel terrible, and I've not heard anything today. So yes, if the crisis team were literally just going to make daily phone calls and she was prepared to do that instead, then I can see why she would have thought it was pointless. But I haven't had phone calls from her, and the crisis team may have done more than that, although admittedly they are pretty shit. I just feel totally abandoned really. I had said when I emailed about seeing the crisis team that I didn't feel able to get through this alone, and the other thing she said in her reply was that I needed to really needed to try and help myself, but 'that would never be alone, it would be with help.' Feels pretty much like being alone right now....
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(((Bippidee)))
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, but of course, I can see how you feel that way.
Psych doc for some meds? I dunno, but I'm having a hideous day myself.
Its so hard to be strong when one is so thoroughly exhausted.
xoxo,
Lex
I know I have support from people online, and that means a lot, but I think in terms of professional support, which is what she was referring to, I am pretty alone really. It is still a whole week until I am due to see L again, and I've not spoken to her since Tuesday, so yesterday and today I have had no support at all in professional terms. I don't think I would be able to get an appointment with my psych for any time soon, and she has always been very anti giving me any meds anyway, so I doubt she would do anything, and even if she did, meds are a long term solution (if they do anything at all), and I am struggling right now with even seeing a long term. And yes, it is really hard to be strong and fight when you just feel totally exhausted. xx
ReplyDeleteAh Bippidee, virtual hugs for you ((hugs)) if they do any good.
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel, I considered getting myself to the local psych ward in the summer and just beating on the door until they let me in (which according to Cellar Door is not uncommon) as I felt as you do now, back then. All I could do was constantly try and distract myself, and take one moment at a time, and medicate myself into sleep as at least then time goes faster.
I have no real suggestions my lovely, just try not to be hard on yourself, things seem to have gone really downhill since your barny / upset with your Mum (I read your blog and am normally shy about commenting) and you seem very isolated stuck in your room alone. So, more hugs I guess.
I know this seems completely rubbish, but I spend time searching youtube for funny things, old comedy sketches, my favourite comedians etc. Even if I cannot laugh at them at least I am doing something and can add them to my 'favourites' in the hope that in the future they will raise a smile. That sounds completely inane now though, sorry. I was inspired by Seaneen Molloy on that one, who also shares a love of tea and a predisposition to clumsiness with me.
Take care xxx
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteSelf-distraction is very good. I don't have mush to add to the excellent advice already given here, but I hope things turn out ok.
Thank you both for your replies, I appreciate it. Forgetful Me - thank you very much for replying when you don't usually, that means a lot. Don't be shy!
ReplyDeleteDistraction is really hard - I have been trying to but I find it really difficult to actually concentrate on anything. I end up sitting with the TV on but still thinking all the same things.