I am so tired. I have been sleeping really badly for ages now and it is really getting to me. I look terrible and I just feel so exhausted - physically and emotionally. I wish I had some energy. Although I think being so exhausted is mostly what has kept me alive the last couple of days. I just don't have enough energy to act on my thoughts in the way I want to. Of course that doesn't make me feel any less desperate, or the thoughts any less overwhelming. I really just want out.
I don't like to say it, but I am feeling pretty unsupported at the moment. I don't like saying that because L has always been really supportive, but right now I am just feeling so alone and like I have just been left to get through this on my own. One of the reasons I was given for her not thinking the crisis team would help was 'whilst I can see that you’re very distressed I’m not sure that a daily phone call will make any difference as, at the end of the day, I can do that.' She has a point with that, as although in theory the crisis team do visits, and I suspect would have at least visited the first time to assess me, ours apparently mostly just phone people now. So I did kind of get that. But I haven't had daily phone calls from her. The last time I spoke to her was on Tuesday, when I rung and asked to speak to her and then was rung back 4 and a half hours later and spoke to her for less than 10 minutes, and ended up feeling worse. Then yesterday there was the email that made me feel terrible, and I've not heard anything today. So yes, if the crisis team were literally just going to make daily phone calls and she was prepared to do that instead, then I can see why she would have thought it was pointless. But I haven't had phone calls from her, and the crisis team may have done more than that, although admittedly they are pretty shit. I just feel totally abandoned really. I had said when I emailed about seeing the crisis team that I didn't feel able to get through this alone, and the other thing she said in her reply was that I needed to really needed to try and help myself, but 'that would never be alone, it would be with help.' Feels pretty much like being alone right now....
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago