I am absolutely exhausted. I couldn't get to sleep last night - it was even worse than usual for some reason. Then I had to be up at 9 this morning, so I ended up with less than 4 hours sleep. So I am feeling totally zombified and desperate for a nap, but trying to stay awake so that I can sleep tonight. Although I know it won't work - I will be shattered until about 8 o'clock, and then get a burst of energy and not be able to sleep until the middle of the night again, because that is always what happens with me, no matter how long I have been awake, on how little sleep.
I had a rehearsal at 11 this morning. It wasn't for long - it was just to run through my solo for the concert in December. I think it went ok - my voice wasn't overly happy at the beginning because it doesn't like mornings (nor does the rest of me, but my voice has particularly firm views about when it is acceptable to sing and when it isn't, and mornings are a no go!) but it did improve as we went on, and it wasn't horrific. They seemed pleased enough with how it went, which is good, as I am unlikely to get to do it again until the day of the concert, when we have a full run through with the band in the afternoon, before the concert itself in the evening. The only thing I am not happy about is what I am going to be wearing. As it is a concert, I assumed it would be evening dress, but they apparently want people in costumes vaguely appropriate for the song they are singing - not costume, but something they consider suitable. For the vast majority of people I think this will be evening dress, as for songs like Memory and Somewhere and Defying Gravity etc, evening dress is about as appropriate as anything else bar full costume. However, they have decided they don't want me in evening dress. They want me in trousers. Now I hate trousers at any time - I feel like they really accentuate the parts of my body that I hate most - my thighs, followed by my hips, but I am going to hate them even more when everyone else is in pretty dresses. I rarely wear trousers - I will wear them if I am just hanging around in the house, or popping to an appointment, but if I am putting any effort at all into what I look like then I wear a skirt or dress, as I feel very self conscious in trousers. So it is far from ideal that I have to wear trousers for this concert, particularly when virtually everyone else, possibly every single other female, will be in evening dress.
I didn't end up seeing my friend at all after all. She texted me earlier saying that she hadn't been feeling that great all week, and hadn't slept well last night and was feeling more ill today, so she was sorry but she was going to give it a miss. I wasn't too bothered really. I suppose it would have been nice to see her, but I am feeling pretty shit, so it is kind of nice not having to put on a front and pretend everything is fine.
I am still feeling really upset and hurt by what happened yesterday. There has been absolutely no mention of any of it today - my mum is just acting like nothing happened. I've not spoken to my sister, and don't have any desire to. Although I am actually far more hurt by my mum, as I knew my sister didn't like me anyway - that has been evident for many years. I had hoped that my mum would have been more supportive of me.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago