Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Not a great day....

I am not feeling that great. I had my appointment with L this morning, but it didn't help as much as normal. Usually I email her what I have written during the week, mostly the same as I write on here, but there are some bits I don't usually send, for example if I have written about what we talked about in an appointment I obviously don't bother emailing that, and there are some things I send her that don't come on the blog, but about 90% of it is the same. Anyway, then she usually reads that before she sees me, and then some of what I have written about she picks out to talk about, and will ask me about certain things. We talk about other things as well, but we usually at least start based on some of what I have written. I find it works quite well, as I don't have to try and remember what has happened in the last week, and she already knows what is going on so I don't have to start from scratch with explaining things etc. Obviously I then go into more detail about what I am feeling/thinking, but it is so much easier than just walking into a room and someone saying 'So how are you? How has your week been?' etc.

Anyway, today it started slightly wrong because she was running late - not that much, only about 15 minutes, but she is never normally late, so I was starting to get a bit twitchy. Then I saw her come out with her patient before me, which has never happened before, and immediately take me in, and although that shouldn't bother me, because obviously she has lots of other patients, but it was just a bit weird. And then because she was running late she took me straight in, and so I just felt a bit weird about it all. I don't know. And then she said she was sorry but she hadn't had time to read what I had written, as she had been caught up in a complicated case all morning. That is fair enough - I know she is often very busy, but it was a shame it was this week, as I think maybe I could have done with talking about the suicidal thoughts and what was going on with them. Of course I could have talked about them anyway, but I didn't really what to say. 'I am feeling suicidal but I don't think I am going to kill myself, but knowing that if I don't kill myself in the next few weeks I will have to live for for the next two months, and that feels like too much, so I want to kill myself now' seemed a little random and complicated, so I just didn't mention it. And there are some other things that I touched on in my writing, that I thought when I wrote 'Oh I should talk about this with L', but I couldn't remember what they were or anything, so I obviously didn't talk about them. And then often my appointments run longer - they are usually anything between an hour and an hour and a half, but L had to finish fairly promptly as she had a meeting to go to, so actually I think I was only with her about 50 minutes, which I do realise is a standard therapy hour, but it isn't standard for my sessions. So overall although it was fine, but it didn't help me as much as it often does. So yes, I am just not really feeling that great.

I am quite tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night really. It wasn't actually that few hours, but I really do need a decent amount to not feel like a zombie, and then I obviously had to get up this morning to see L, so I think I only got about 6 hours, which isn't enough for me. I was going to nap this afternoon, but I decided to stay awake in the hope I would sleep better tonight. That never does seem to work, but I feel like it should! Other things going on - my weight had gone back down yesterday, and stayed the same today. I am really hoping I can get it down a bit more tomorrow. I just want it to keep going down, even if it isn't fast. I didn't go to ballet last night. I just didn't really feel up to it. I wasn't in the mood. But then I felt guilty because I had eaten what I usually eat before I dance on Monday, and so I stressed a bit about not burning off the calories etc. I suppose in the end it was ok because I maintained my weight, but maybe I would have lost if I had gone to ballet... I did go to the sing through. It was ok. I still don't know what I want to do about it, but I thought I may as well go to the sing throughs to keep my options open. I have another one tonight. Then ballet tomorrow. Which I must go to. Blah. I just don't feel like leaving the house at the moment at all.

I think I might have a cyst or a tumour. I know that sounds a little melodramatic, but I do. I have had a lump on my face, literally just below my ear, for quite a while now. I can't remember when I first noticed it. It was definitely within the last year, but it might have been more recent than that. Maybe only a few months ago. I don't know. My memory is atrocious. I did mean to mention it to my GP last time I saw her, but I forgot. Anyway, last night I decided to google it, as you do. I wasn't quite sure what to search, so I started typing 'lump face' and google's first suggestion was 'near ear', which I thought was quite interesting, as it means it must be quite common, so I searched for that. It came up with lots of information about tumours on the salivary glands, mostly the parotid gland, and in pictures that looks like exactly the right place, although all the ones in the pictures are big and mine isn't. It is only very tiny, not even as big as a pea, and it doesn't hurt at all, but I suppose I should probably get it checked out. I have an appointment with my GP on Friday, so I will mention it then. I perhaps won't mention I have diagnosed myself with a paratid tumour with the help of Dr Google, as I think Doctors prefer you to allow them to do their job themselves.

A friend of mine took an overdose this afternoon. It is my friend A. She came online and talked to me and said she was really sorry and that I was going to be angry with her, and I said I wouldn't be angry, but asked what she had done, and she said taken too many Paracetamol, so I asked how many, and she said 32 and a few Zopiclone. She said she was feeling really bad and she had done it before she had even really thought about it. She doesn't live anywhere near me, so there wasn't much I could do, but I asked her for the phone number for her housing support worker, which she gave me, so I called her, and she got an ambulance round there for her, so she is at the hospital now. I wish she could have talked to me before rather than after, but I am glad she told me and that she is being treated. I am not angry obviously. I am just concerned. And part of me wishes it was me, although I wouldn't have told anyone. It sounds awful, but when I was looking up the lump on my face last night I thought maybe it would be cancer and if I didn't have treatment it would kill me, and then I wouldn't have to kill myself. And then I hated myself for thinking that. So many people are so desperate to live, and sometimes I just feel evil for even thinking about wanting to die and suicide.

Overall it hasn't really been a great day...


  1. Re: the lump, I had a very similar thing on my back which was totally benign, but I had it removed anyway. Best to get it checked out as soon as possible just in case, of course. As for your friend, you say you couldn't do much, but it sounds to me like by calling her support worker you really made a difference. Fair play to you. I hope she'll be OK.

    Take care of yourself and lots of hugs <3 xxx

  2. *hugs* Ypou are no bad for wanting to die, but I hope that you see the point in life soonish.

  3. You are a great friend, A is lucky to have you!

    Hope tomorrow works out better for you, take care <3 xxxx

  4. BIG *hug* from a random passing stranger.

  5. Sorry to hear about your friend and I know how you feel. I had the same thoughts when one of my friends ended up in hospital. :(

    As for the lump - it could just be swollen glands/lymph nodes. I had a lump in the same sort of place by my right ear for a while - I was fighting an infection and that can raise the glands. Eventually as you recover, it will go down. You've been feeling run down lately, so could be that.

  6. Thanks for all the replies.

    intothesystem, this has been there for at least 6 months now, possibly a year, so don't think it is a swollen gland. Plus it also isn't tender like a swollen gland. It is just a very small, very definite little lump, rather than a general swelling. Don't know what it is but will check with the GP on Friday.

  7. I hated it when I saw the girl my therapist had in there before me. I was jealous and pissed off and made mad fucking loopy eyes at the girl just to ward her off. Not great.
    I understand what you're saying about feeling guilty wanting to die when others so badly want to live. I've never been a believer in comparing lives, they're always different and difficult in their own way. And what's life if it doesn't have you by the fucking balls each day. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. x

  8. I often wish I would get cancer so that I could die "legitimately" and it wouldn't be an embarrassment to my family. Then I feel guilty. A car accident would work too.

  9. mentalspeghetti - it is funny how possessive we get over therapists isn't it? Obviously I know L has lots of other patients, but it still upset me to actually see another one.

    I think exactly the same Harriet, and then I feel really guilty for thinking like that.