Thursday, 11 November 2010

And more

My dad just came upstairs to talk to me. He said my mum was getting depressed and I asked why and he said because of me. Because I don’t do anything to help around the house and I need to make an effort. He said I’m not pulling my weight and it is getting her really down. I know I don’t do anything to help – I vacuum the lounge sometimes but that is about it. It is just so incredibly difficult to even find the energy and motivation to get out of bed, or shower, or get dressed – really basic self care stuff, and so I suppose I don’t even think about or notice things like housework. I rarely leave my bedroom, and the worse I feel the less I leave my room, which I suppose is why this has come up now. But whilst he was talking all I could think was how much better off they will be without me. It felt like confirmation that suicide is the right option. I can’t cope with being me, and now I am making my mum depressed too. I just wish I could do it sooner.

Edit: Forgot to say, L called earlier as promised and talked to me for a while. She said she will call again tomorrow. And I am due to see her Monday morning. I can get by until then. Mostly due to lack of alternatives - there are people around over the weekend. I will keep talking to her and maybe it will help. I'll see how I am feeling after that I suppose. She does know everything that has been going on and what I am thinking/feeling though.


  1. Your dad obviousluy has absolutely no idea what you're oing through. He wouldn't DARE say this is you had a phsical illness.

    Your family would be upset if you killed yourself. hey aren't saying thse things to be mean. They just don't get it.

    And if your mum is clinically depressed, it's not you causing it.

    Do you think it would ever be possible for you to move out?

  2. He didn't say it in a nasty way, or mean to hurt me. I just think he doesn't understand. I wouldn't be able to live on my own at the moment. My CPN took me to look at some supported accommodation earlier this year, but it was very high male to female ratio living there and I just didn't feel very comfortable with it.

  3. Bip-- I'm so sorry; I'm feeling absolutely sick reading this-- I agree with sanabituranima 100%. I feel like slapping your mom. SHE'S depressed cause you're not tidying the house???

    wow, that's rich. I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that one.

    Your parents are clueless twits. Both of them. They need therapy themselves to learn more effective ways of communicating with you and others, to resolve their own issues that they are impinging on you and to learn about your illness so that they can help you to cope, not help you dig your own grave for cryin' out loud!!!!!!! And that might even include some family sessions so that you can discuss issues in a supportive therapeutic setting.

    Obviously, neither one has any inkling of exactly how fragile you actually are, or they would be treating you a helluva lot differently!!!

    I DO feel that they love you and would be absolutely DEVASTATED beyond recognition if you did yourself in. Do not underestimate their REAL feelings just because they don't have the capacity or sensitivity to express them as such.

    You seem to have a better relationship with your dad, can you go to him and tell him that you are going through a bad period and that you are severely depressed and having suicidal thoughts. You NEED his support, not him beating down on you with things you are not able to do.

    love and hugs,


  4. oh hun *big hugs* I third the comments that he doesn't understand. Have you been to family therapy or something similar? It may help them to realise that it is a real illness, just like any physical illness, and start to comprehend some of what you are going through.
    lots of love headed your way

  5. I'm so sorry you are feeling so down, and the people around you don't understand. You have been through so much with your family these last weeks, and they don't seem supportive at all. I know they don't mean it, they don't understand. But you are not selfish, or unworthy, and it's not your fault that you are causing anyone's depression. That is ridiculous!

    I spend all of my time at home in my little office upstairs, away from everyone, isolating. I know the feeling. I'm sorry.

  6. Thank you for the support. It really does mean a lot.

    I think my parents come off worse in this blog than they deserve to, because I write about the times they upset me or anger me, and not about the times they support me and do things for me. I have actually always been very close to my mum. Sure, we have arguments, but that is a normal mother/daughter thing. But she does an awful lot for me. I don't drive, so whenever I have rehearsals or dance classes, she is the one taking me and waiting around for me, and she does most of the practical things for me too. And sometimes she is very supportive of me. I actually blame my sister to a large extent for the current situation. She has completely overreacted to me not wanting to look after my nephew every week, and now I think it is going to turn into a big feud whereby she won't come over to our house because of it etc, which makes my mum very stressed, and therefore resentful of me because I suppose in her eyes it is my fault. And I think the reason things seem less tense with my dad at the moment is because he doesn't get stressed by my sister - she isn't his daughter and so he doesn't have the same difficulty that my mum does. So in essence, my parents, and my mum in particular, do an awful lot for me. But they also just don't really seem to understand my problems, despite them having been going on for so many years.

    We have done family therapy but it hasn't been terribly successful. I found it incredibly difficult to talk in front of them, my dad tends to joke about anything serious, and so did rather a lot of that, which went down like a lead balloon, and overall it just wasn't really for us. It wasn't helpful.

    I don't actually think my mum is depressed in the clinical sense. I think she is stressed and upset, because of what has happened between me and my sister, and then sees that I have done nothing whilst she has been out at work, and so gets very angry. She thinks I should be able to do things around the house despite my mental health problems, which perhaps I should, but I don't think she understands quite how difficult it is to do anything at all when you are very depressed. She also gets annoyed that I shut myself away so much of the time - I think she takes that quite personally. It is a difficult situation.