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Thursday, 25 November 2010

Messed up

I have completely and utterly messed everything up. I emailed L at 5:45am asking for my appointment this afternoon to be cancelled and to be discharged. I didn't give any explanation. I figured if she wanted to know or gave a shit she would phone and ask why, and if I had started trying to explain everything in the email I would have been writing it forever. I also then did something that probably wasn't the best idea, but was better than the alternative. I was feeling so suicidal and my head was screaming at me to kill myself, so I had to harm myself in some way, and I am so shit at cutting that it never gives me enough of a release, plus it leaves something visible, and I didn't want anything anyone could see. So I took some tablets. Not many at all. It was certainly not a suicide attempt, and not even something I would consider an overdose, although obviously technically it was. But it was very few, and nothing that could do any real damage. I just needed to do something to feel like I was hurting myself. It didn't help much.

I slept really badly. I think I got about 3 hours, but I woke up loads of times, and so it was really interrupted. I checked my email and had a reply from her saying that she would cancel my appointment for this afternoon, and that if I wanted to be discharged she would arrange a CPA as soon as possible. I then had another email saying she had booked me in for my usual time on Tuesday and she thought we should talk about it then. I then felt really shit, and wished I hadn't cancelled, and also felt kind of hurt that she hadn't called to ask why I wanted to cancel or anything. I spoke to my friend A, who persuaded me to reply and ask if I could uncancel my appointment, so I did that, but she had already given away my appointment. Which I suppose was to be expected really, but it just made me totally lose it. I asked if she could call me but she said she was really busy and would try but didn't know if she would get time, but that I could call the duty worker. I was so upset by that time that I did call and speak to someone. She was nice enough but basically just said the usual stuff about trying to distract myself, suggested having a bath or something to eat or going for a walk. She said she would speak to L when she got back and that one of them would call me back later. It turned out to be someone else again who called, who again gave me the distraction talk and said it wasn't long until Tuesday when I could see L.

I am furious with myself for cancelling. I was being such a bloody moron. It was a crap idea. I was just so hurt and upset, and I suppose I was trying to play mind games and see how she reacted, which was a shit idea because they never work - you never get what you want. So I have been left feeling even more like she doesn't give a shit about me, and even more alone. I suppose I was hoping she would call and ask why I wanted to cancel and then I would have spoken to her etc. It wasn't a conscious thought, but when I got her reply today and realised how hurt I was that she had just accepted me cancelling like that. Tuesday may not seem long away to then but it feels like an eternity to me, particuarly since I should have bloody seen her this afternoon, and it is already a week and a half since I saw her. Given what I have just said about wishing I hadn't cancelled today this will sound ridiculous, but I don't know if I want to see her Tuesday. Every single thing that has happened this past week has made me feel less and less like I can rely on her and that makes me want to just give up on her, as I feel like she has given up on me, but I feel so completely alone without her. The trouble is, what I miss is the relationship I had with her prior to the last couple of weeks, and when I think about seeing her that is what I want. Not how I feel about it all now. I feel upset and hurt by her, and angry and upset with myself. I know I have been childish and acted stupidly today, and if I could redo things I would. But I feel like I must have some something wrong last week for her to not contact me at all, and I have no idea what. I am so confused and I don't know where to turn.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Bip, you poor thing. I'm sending some huge cyber hugs in your direction.

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  2. I wish I could say something that would help but I can't. I wanted you to know how sorry I am that you are so confused and you feel like you did something wrong. FWIW I don't think you did anything wrong and this email, quit, try and rebook is something I have done several times. I am thinking of you, hoping you can stay safe. You are cared about.

    di

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  3. *hugs*

    Maybe she thinks its better to ask you why you cancelled in person.

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  4. (( hugs )) Wish there was something I could do

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  5. I don't think you've done anything wrong. It is her that has messed you about during a time of extreme distress for you. I think that was grossly irresponsible, and you can quote me on that if you like.

    Thinking of you. x

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  6. I think my cpn would be the same, she takes me at my word, which I like, she is asking me to take responsibility to make my own decisions. of course I make the wrong ones! but I then have to deal with and learn from the consequences. I would get discharged if I asked for that and would have to deal with it. I hope you can sort things out with L

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  7. Thank you for all of the replies and support, I appreciate it.

    mememe - I do take your point. And if I was the type to always be not turning up to appointments or something then that would be different. And she said in her email that if I wanted discharging she would arrange a CPA as soon as possible. But I have been seeing her for over a year, and I have never, ever cancelled an appointment, and considering the last contact I had with her was an email I sent 8 days ago saying how suicidal I felt and how much I was struggling, I kind of think it must have been quite clear that I wasn't thinking straight, and then sometimes you do things you wouldn't usually do, and this was one of them. Also, since the last thing I heard from her prior to this was that she could phone me daily, and that was 8 days ago, I kind of thought she might have been more understanding. If I had tried to change my mind half an hour before I was due to see her that would have been different, but it was only 10:45 when I asked to uncancel, so she had only been working an hour and 45 minutes, which isn't very long, and I guess I am slightly suprised she had rebooked it without speaking to me or anything. I know I need to take responsibility for myself, and usually I do, but at the moment I am just in a really bad place and I am doing things that are very out of character.

    xxx

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  8. Bip, I'm so sorry. I don't think you did anything wrong. I hope things become a little clearer for you when you see her on Tuesday. *Hugs*

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  9. I'm glad that you didn't seriously hurt yourself. And I agree with you-- those mind games never work. I think that L still cares about you, but she just didn't want to play into the game. I've had therapists do that to me.

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Sending you hugs and support.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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