Friday, 11 February 2011
Over the last couple of days I have thought increasingly about telling my mum. This morning I decided that it couldn't make things any worse and that I would. I sent her a text saying that I couldn't cope, and that I had been trying really hard, but that my GP seemed to be the only person taking me seriously. She was out when I sent that, but she rung me and said she would come home but she needed to go food shopping at some point today so should she go whilst she was out already, and I said that was fine. I was quite surprised she didn't ask me what was going on or anything but I thought maybe she wanted to talk about it when she got home. She came home and didn't really say much. She said she had spoken to Dr O, she didn't say what they had talked about, but I know that at some point in the conversation she must have complained about the crisis team saying that they would arrange a psychiatrist appointment, and then just discharging me, and Dr O (who is anti meds) evidently told her that I have BPD, not Depression, so she didn't see what good meds would do, as my mother who had been annoyed all week about me not being seen by the psychiatrist suddenly thought it was completely fine. She also seemed to have no problem with the crisis team suddenly stopping seeing me, which she had previously been annoyed, and didn't seem to see that there was a problem that I was being left with no support for two weeks. Somehow they managed to convert her so that she just agreed with them. My mum used to call up and complain if I wasn't getting enough help - now she is justifying their actions to me. I think they all either think that this is something I am choosing, and that I feel like this because I want to, or they think I am exaggerating the whole thing, or they don't care whether or not I kill myself. I am not sure which, but they have got my mum thinking the same. So I don't even have support from her - she has been indoctrinated to say the same things that the professionals say, and is defending things that yesterday she was annoyed about. I feel like she doesn't care what happens to me. Despite me being incredibly upset, and her knowing that it is incredibly rare for me to be asking for help, she did absolutely nothing apart from calling and speaking to my GP. She didn't even bother calling L, which seems a bit strange given that she is my care coordinator. She clearly wasn't concerned enough to think it worthwhile. And amazingly she didn't even try and take away the tablets I have or anything. Which I am glad about, but it just reinforces the feeling that she doesn't care, as in the past that has always been the first thing she has done. Of course I always have others hidden so it doesn't matter if she does take them, but the fact she didn't even try proves that I am right. I feel like everyone is against me. I don't know what I have done wrong, because I have honestly just told the truth, but there is very clearly something. 'Nobody's Side' has been running through my head all day. My eyes are stinging from how much I have been crying. I feel incredibly alone. I don't trust anyone.