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Friday 11 February 2011

Alone

Over the last couple of days I have thought increasingly about telling my mum. This morning I decided that it couldn't make things any worse and that I would. I sent her a text saying that I couldn't cope, and that I had been trying really hard, but that my GP seemed to be the only person taking me seriously. She was out when I sent that, but she rung me and said she would come home but she needed to go food shopping at some point today so should she go whilst she was out already, and I said that was fine. I was quite surprised she didn't ask me what was going on or anything but I thought maybe she wanted to talk about it when she got home. She came home and didn't really say much. She said she had spoken to Dr O, she didn't say what they had talked about, but I know that at some point in the conversation she must have complained about the crisis team saying that they would arrange a psychiatrist appointment, and then just discharging me, and Dr O (who is anti meds) evidently told her that I have BPD, not Depression, so she didn't see what good meds would do, as my mother who had been annoyed all week about me not being seen by the psychiatrist suddenly thought it was completely fine. She also seemed to have no problem with the crisis team suddenly stopping seeing me, which she had previously been annoyed, and didn't seem to see that there was a problem that I was being left with no support for two weeks. Somehow they managed to convert her so that she just agreed with them. My mum used to call up and complain if I wasn't getting enough help - now she is justifying their actions to me. I think they all either think that this is something I am choosing, and that I feel like this because I want to, or they think I am exaggerating the whole thing, or they don't care whether or not I kill myself. I am not sure which, but they have got my mum thinking the same. So I don't even have support from her - she has been indoctrinated to say the same things that the professionals say, and is defending things that yesterday she was annoyed about. I feel like she doesn't care what happens to me. Despite me being incredibly upset, and her knowing that it is incredibly rare for me to be asking for help, she did absolutely nothing apart from calling and speaking to my GP. She didn't even bother calling L, which seems a bit strange given that she is my care coordinator. She clearly wasn't concerned enough to think it worthwhile. And amazingly she didn't even try and take away the tablets I have or anything. Which I am glad about, but it just reinforces the feeling that she doesn't care, as in the past that has always been the first thing she has done. Of course I always have others hidden so it doesn't matter if she does take them, but the fact she didn't even try proves that I am right. I feel like everyone is against me. I don't know what I have done wrong, because I have honestly just told the truth, but there is very clearly something. 'Nobody's Side' has been running through my head all day. My eyes are stinging from how much I have been crying. I feel incredibly alone. I don't trust anyone.

16 comments:

  1. I know it is not the same Bip, and will not take the pain away, but try not to forget that many twitmates are thinking of you and really do care. love, Di xxx

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  2. Maybe Mum wants you to take responsibility which is why she is leaving the tablets with you?

    Im sure she does care hun, but I would totally feel the same if it were me.

    Keep trying to be heard, dont give up
    xxxx

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  3. Thank you Di. I know that and I appreciate it more than I can say.

    POBS, it might be that (although I think my reasons are more likely) but I don't know why she would feel like that this time when she never has in the past. Everyone seems to want me to take responsibility and not realise I can't at the moment. There is no point trying to be heard anymore - there is nowhere else to turn. Even my mum is on their side. There are no options.

    xxx

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  4. You don't deserve to have all that crap happening to you. I don't know you very well but I'm sure you're awesome and you probably should keep telling yourself that.

    Thinking of and praying for you. Hang in there. It won't be easy or be a quick fix but still hang in there. You'll get through this. Your true friends will be backing you

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  5. *hugs* Know that the madosphere care, at least.

    I am sorry your mum isn't helping.

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  6. Firstly, Bip, I'd like to second what Di said. I know it's not the same, but somebody's always there for you.

    Secondly - I've been thinking. I hopethat doesn't sound as patronising as fuck - I know it would if it were me, but then again I'm a hypocrite of the highest order. Sorry. I'm assuming that you're claiming ESA and/or DLA due to your circumstances and was wondering - would that not be enough to fund a private therapist, at least for a wee bit? I know you live in the arse of nowhere, but if your Mum can take you to L, couldn't she take you to such a person too? I know she's been crap over this but my personal interpretation is not that she's a shithead per se, but just doesn't get how serious it is.

    Anyhow, just a thought. I hope I don't sound like a bellend; I just want someone to help you.

    Hugs 'n' love

    Pan x

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  7. I get Incapacity since I have been claiming since before ESA was introduced. I don't get DLA. I am not sure if there would be any point funding a private therapist short term. I have looked into it a little, but there is nobody in the area that I have seen who I think looks particularly suitable - nobody with interest in BPD or anything like that. And short term would be an issue, and since it would take the majority of my income every week I wouldn't be able to afford it long term, so I don't know that it is worth it. And the last time I saw a counsellor outside of the CMHT she just got frustrated a lot of the time that I wasn't being hospitalised, because in her opinion that was what I needed and it all just felt a bit pointless. x

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  8. You have done NOTHING wrong. Perhaps your G.P. told your mother the wrong things in the right way. Perhaps the doctor was able to convince your mom that things weren't that bad and she believed them. Don't give up on her. I'm pretty sure she's on your side. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. Peace.

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  9. But my GP was the only professional who I felt was taking me seriously - she was the one who referred me to the crisis team, and tried to again on Wednesday, and spoke to the CMHT. I thought she knew how bad things were. I thought she was the only one who was kind of on my side. But she clearly isn't, as she is the only person that my mum spoke to, and now she thinks there was nothing wrong with the crisis team discharging me, and that I don't need to see a psychiatrist because medication won't help me because I have BPD, and that it is fine that I have been left with no support whatsoever for the next week and a half. They are all against me and now they have taken my mum too. And I still have no support. I do think I must have done something wrong, I am just not sure what. x

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  10. I think your mum does care, unfortunately professionals can be very convincing. It's unfortunate it sounds like your GP has managed to convince your mum that you don't need meds, don't need to see a psychiatrist, don't need the crisis team etc. Sounds like your GP has been justifying their actions to your mum, and as a consequence your mum is believing them, the 'professionals'. It doesn't mean your mum doesn't care though. I'm sorry that you're getting such poor 'care' at the moment when you deserve and need so much more.

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  11. ~Bangs head against the wall~
    I just don't know what else you have to do to get someone to listen! This is all so wrong!!
    I agree with Cassie,... I don't think its that your Mum doesn't care. I think she just doesn't know what to do and listening to a "professional" is what she feels is right. But again,...Surely she can SEE that your struggling so much can't she? You do live with them.
    I'm sorry Bippidee I just don't know what to say about it all. I want to smack all their heads together!!!!

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  12. I don't understand why the professional who was trying to get me help - who referred me to the crisis team, and who seemed frustrated on Wednesday when I told her they had discharged me back to L, who wouldn't be seeing me for another two weeks, would have made her think it was all ok though? I think on Wednesday when my GP spoke to the crisis team, either they or the CMHT manager who she also spoke to, must have made her think the same as they thought, which is probably that I am attention seeking and that I will be fine, and so now my GP is on their side, and so when she spoke to my mum managed to persuade her the same. I think they are very manipulative, because on Wednesday my GP was trying to get me more help, and yet today when my mum spoke to her my mum came off the phone not feeling like I needed more help? I am not surprised my GP not thinking seeing a psychiatrist would help, because she is pretty anti meds and is pleased I am not taking anything except PRN Diazepam - she is the type of Dr you have to fight to get antibiotics from! But she thought I needed more support and that it sounded like I had been doing better with more support, so I don't know what they said to her to change her mind and get her to make my mum think the same. But I have literally done absolutely everything I can now, I hope that everyone can see and understand that. xxx

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  13. I think everyone is trying to come up with some sort of logical explanation for the behaviour of the people around you, just because it seems so unfair and scary that you're being treated like this. No one wants to think that actually there isn't a good reason, your family/the professionals are just really misunderstanding how bad you're feeling right now. As for you not having depression because you've been diagnosed with BPD - what kind of happy horse shit is that?! Don't professionals understand that mental illnesses are not mutually exclusive? I am getting all irate on your behalf, sorry. I am so sorry you're getting this crap from everyone around you. Your last reply to this post sounded sort of like you were saying goodbye, and that makes me very anxious. I know we've been out of touch for ages but I've known you for probably approaching eight, nine years? I left you-know-where.com (lol) in 2002, so it must be. It matters to me if you live or die, very much. I hope you are safe <3

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  14. {{{hugs}}} - there's nothing really to add - I don't know what everyone around you is thinking and I know how frustrating it is when the people who are supposed to help seemingly aren't taking any of it seriously. But I've no advice or ideas on how to change that - I wish I did.

    Take care,
    Differently

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  15. You have done everything, honey. You should be proud of that. I'm sorry your mum was converted by the doctor. I don't think she's deliberately unfeeling, I think she's naive.

    I wish there was something I could do.

    xxx

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  16. Oh hon. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to sound trite and patronising, but I'm sure your mum does care - she's your mum, in the end. It's just such a pity she's listened to your GP, who has listened to the idiot MH 'professionals',
    I don't think it's that she doesn't care, it's that she doesn't understand.
    I wish there was something I could say or do, but like everyone here, I am always here if you need to talk and am thinking of you.

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