Sunday, 6 February 2011

Crisis team visit - 2

I feel like today has gone completely wrong and I am feeling really hopeless. I was told yesterday that the crisis team would call today at about 10 - 10:30am, and then probably come out to see me again. I left my phone on vibrate so that it would wake me up, and didn't bother setting an alarm because I knew that would wake me as it always does. I had said to my mum last night that I didn't feel comfortable talking to people when they were in the house so could they go to see my sister or something, and she said that was fine, but how would they know what time to go, and I said that the crisis team would be calling in the morning and so I would know what time they were coming then. That was the plan. And then I was going to try and tell them how bad things were.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 1pm, and it was a woman from the crisis team asking if I could tell them how to find me. I was thoroughly confused, as I hadn't had the morning phone call as planned. I assumed they needed vague directions, but when I asked where they were it turned out they were actually already outside the house - they just didn't know which house it was, as we like to confuse people by not having a name or number or anything on display. So that threw me into a complete tail spin, as their phone call had woken me up, as yet again it had been about 6am before I got to sleep, and obviously my parents were home as we hadn't had any warning, and I didn't even have time to do things like go to the toilet, so I was feeling really flustered and confused.

My mum came upstairs to do housework and was hoovering etc, so I didn't feel uncomfortable with her being there really, but my dad was downstairs, painting in a room virtually adjoining where I was sitting with the crisis team, he had very good hearing, and the man from the crisis team spoke very loudly and had an irritating habit of repeating everything I said. To be honest the whole thing was a complete fiasco. I felt paranoid that my dad would be listening in and so felt extremely uncomfortable, I was confused about why they had suddenly turned up without calling first like they were supposed to, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be honest with them because I was feeling so tense and anxious. To make matters worse they knew absolutely nothing about me, and had never even seen my notes - the reason they had randomly arrived was because they were out this way seeing someone else who was only about 15 minutes away, and so decided to come straight on and see me. I still don't understand a) why nobody called this morning, and b) why they couldn't have called when they were 15 minutes away so that I would have had at least had a tiny bit of advance warning. So they literally knew absolutely nothing about me, my history, when I was referred to them, why I was referred to them, how long I had been under mental health services, what my diagnosis was - nothing. I know I complained yesterday about the crisis team not reading your notes properly, but this was a whole new level - they had to ask things like how old I was, and when had I been referred to them. I said I had been referred Friday by my GP, and they asked why he (she's a she but I didn't bother correcting them) had referred me - was it because I was feeling low, and I said it was because of suicidal thoughts, which he loudly repeated, which really set off my paranoia. He asked if the feelings had changed and I said no. I think it was at this point they told me they knew nothing about me and started asking things like how old was I, and did I work, and what had I done education wise etc, and how long had I been involved with mental health services for, and why I was originally referred, and about previous suicide attempts and hospital admissions etc. They were also in agreement with the people that I saw yesterday in that I should see a psychiatrist, they said urgently, and that they would speak to their team psychiatrist tomorrow, and I would either see them or Dr E as soon as possible. I don't know if I will have any more visits from the crisis team, because they said they would speak to L tomorrow, and I am guessing she will probably not be too keen on me seeing them. He asked if I felt able to keep myself safe today and I just kind of shrugged. Saying yes would have been a lie, but I didn't feel able to say no when I was feeling so paranoid with my parents being in the house etc. He asked if I would be able to call them if things really reached crisis point, and I once again explained that no I wouldn't, because if things were any worse then I wouldn't want help. He asked if it would be ok if someone called me this evening, and would I be able to tell them if I was feeling worse, and I said that would be ok.

I am feeling really confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait for the call this evening and try and tell them how desperate I am, or whether I should call them before then, or whether I actually don't really want to speak to anyone or want any help. I am frustrated with the way today turned out. I just felt so uncomfortable and I really had intended to try and be really blunt about how I was feeling, and I just couldn't, and now I feel really hopeless and just don't know what to do. I wish they had bloody called this morning like they had arranged to do rather than just turning up with no notice.


  1. Sorry crisis team were so unprofessional today. I personally hate crisis teams with their habit of turning up without notice and their patronising advice. You do need to try and be totally honest with them. Is there any way you can get out the house to talk to them this evening so your parents can't overhear? Or kick your parents out for a while? It's up to you if you want to phone them first. Tell them you weren't totally honest earlier as your parents were around.

    It's good they want you to see a psychiatrist quickly. One thing crisis teams can be quite good for is making things move along a bit faster. Sorry, I sound like I'm telling you what to do. Not my intention, I'm just desperate for you to get some help, you deserve it.

  2. You don't sound bossy at all. Hopefully I would be able to speak to them on the phone later - if I am upstairs and my parents are downstairs I shouldn't be too paranoid. I hope. It's just so hard - I don't know if I want to talk to them, or what to say, or if I want help. My head just keeps telling me how much easier it would be to give up. x

  3. If you can, I think ringing them is a good idea. In terms of what to say to them, a redacted transcription of this post sounds reasonable to me. Essentially, you felt unable to be direct and honest with them owing to (a) their utter lack of knowledge regarding you and (b) your parents' proximity. Then try to tell them what you wanted to tell them earlier.

    Easy for me to say, mind you. Like Anickdaler, I am just desperate for someone to listen to and help you.

    *hugs* x

  4. *hugs* I agree with Pandora and Anickdaler.

    I hope they can be more helpful tomorrow.

  5. I agree with the above comments. I know how much you wanted to be honest but couldn't. Next time you get the chance to talk with them whether it be in person or by phone, don't be afraid to ask if you can talk completely alone away from hearing from anyone.
    In the meantime,... ((hugs))
    Just know we're all thinking of you

  6. Sorry it went so badly, I can completely understand, I'd be flustered by being woken up too. They should have given you notice.
    It's positive that you're going to see a psych urgently though - hope you get seen *very* soon. I also hope that after speaking to the crisis team tomorrow L is able to give you additional help. It's easy to say I know, but try to hang in there.